Pervasive stench of rice cakes means someone's on a diet

THE sickening odour of rice cakes drifting across the country has prompted a nationwide search for a person on a diet.

The snack, which can be heavily dusted with flavours while retaining the look and feel of wall insulation, is indicative of a soon-to-be-abandoned health kick.

Investigator Tom Booker said: “Our first suspect, Kelly, who works for Aviva in Norwich and talked about joining a gym, was found to have half of a Mars Bar Duo on her desk which ruled her out.

“From there we followed the smell – which, because it is all-pervasive is very hard to get a bead on – to Rugby, but it turned out Big Janice in payroll had skipped Weight Watchers after some bad news about one of her dogs.

“We’re desperate for leads, and we’re running out of time before the culprit admits they they’re chewing reeking polystyrene and throws them away.”

Chemistry lecturer Dr Mary Fisher said: “Rice cakes smell worse than a dead body jammed in the air conditioning, but at least if the latter occurs at work everyone gets the afternoon off.

“The rice cakes are usually flourished with pious superiority for three days until they’re stuck in a drawer where they’ll languish unchanged forever.

“In the distant future they will be unearthed by highly advanced cockroaches, who will see them as one of the reasons why humanity died out.”

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England team will sing national anthem if it's Labrinth

THE England football squad have agreed to sing the national anthem before World Cup matches if it’s changed to Earthquake by Labrinth.

The compromise has been proposed in answer to Roy Hodgson’s demand that all players sing the national anthem in full while wearing armour on horseback.

Midfielder Jordan Henderson said: “Labrinth’s British, he drops a line about Buckingham Palace, and Tinie Tempah drops a mad verse on the bridge.

“It’s the sensible decision.”

But critics claim the song, which boasts of rampages and reducing houses to rubble and dust, will unrealistically raise hopes of England scoring a goal.

Joe Hart said:  “Some of the lads want Coldplay but it makes the team sluggish and listless, and Roy’s said we need to save that level of performance for the second half.”

The Royal household, expected to disapprove the change, replied that they didn’t even consider football a sport so the team could sing whatever they liked, though Her Majesty does hum along to that one about not surrendering to the IRA.