Plastic shoes sold with free penis removal

MALE buyers of slip-on plastic shoes will be offered the chance to have their genitals removed at no extra charge, it has emerged.

‘Croc’ type plastic footwear has become increasingly popular in recent years, particularly among ageing men who have become tired of sex.

A Crocs spokesman said: “It became clear that all of the men buying our shoes wanted to abandon their masculine gender identity.

“Certainly they weren’t concerned about attracting women, or what the opposite sex might think of them. Their penises had become burdensome.

“So we thought, let’s give them the chance to become fully emasculated, as a special bonus gift.”

The laser penis removal is painless, takes less that 90 seconds, and leaves a smooth round hole in the recipient’s groin.

Plastic footwear fan Roy Hobbs, who no longer has a penis, said: “I’d much rather have comfortable, well-ventilated feet than genitals.

“It’s very liberating to no longer be a sexual being. I am free of guilt and shame, free to enjoy my versatile plastic shoes.”

 

 

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Man kills himself for enjoying 'Jamie's Summer Food Rave Up'

31-YEAR-OLD Tom Logan took his own life after failing to hate TV chef Jamie Oliver’s festival-themed show, it has emerged.

Oliver’s latest Channel 4 series features the chef at a food and music ‘Feastival’, interspersing cookery with snippets of anodyne 90s indie and demographically-diverse revellers pointing at the air.

Logan’s girlfriend Emma Bradford said: “Tom loathed Jamie Oliver with a passion, referring to him as ‘Sainbury’s grinning fuck pet’ which I thought was a bit extreme. I mean, he’s just a cook, right?

“Anyway, I made him watch Jamie’s Summer Food Rave Up because I like that sort of thing. At first Tom was practically foaming at the mouth, saying things like, ‘I wish I could get in the telly, like the witch from Ring in reverse, and take the handbrake off that camper van so it rolls over his big head and squashes it like an overripe pumpkin’.

“As it turned out, I didn’t particularly like the show and eventually suggested we watch something else. But, oddly, Tom refused, saying he just wanted to see how Jamie cooked his jambalaya for Dalston knitting club.

“Tom said to me, ‘Jamie actually makes cooking seem fun. His friendly, casual style demystifies the process and the festival setting provides a nice summery backdrop’.

“Then he got this weird look in his eye.

“After the programme he went upstairs while I watched CSI. I never saw him alive again.

“He left a note saying, ‘I have become the thing I hate’.”