Please stop f**king around with your eyebrows, women asked

WOMEN have been asked to stop dicking about with their eyebrows because it looks ridiculous.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Why in the name of f*ck would anyone yank out the hairs above their eyes and then paint or tattoo them back on?

“Everyone’s eyebrows look fine.

“Even if your eyebrows are not perfect, guaranteed they look better than if they were drawn on with a glorified Sharpie.”

32-year-old Emma Bradford said: “Thanks to high quality reality television and adverts I realise that my natural features are wrong.

“I must augment my looks with an array of products and procedures because otherwise men will shun me and my life will be like Sissy Spacek’s in the film Carrie.

“The ‘scouse brow’ thing is old hat though. I buy pairs of fat black garden slugs and glue them onto my forehead.

“They are designer slugs from a top studio in Paris.”

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Non-smokers’ lungs look disgusting too

LUNGS look horrible regardless of whether their owner smokes, it has emerged.

The persistent use of smokers’ lung imagery in anti-smoking campaigns prompted a comparison with the organs of those not addicted to cigarettes.

Coroner Tom Booker said: “Even perfectly healthy lungs are all red and glistening and nasty, like something out of a David Cronenberg film.

“However useful they may be, you wouldn’t want to eat one. And if you found one in your bed you’d fucking freak out.

“I actually think they look better a big blackened, it takes some of the sheen off.”