Police Can't Stand Another Minute Of Birmingham

WEST Midlands Police have withdrawn a CCTV scheme after admitting they can no longer just sit there, staring at Birmingham.

The cameras were installed as an anti-terrorism measure but security experts quickly realised the only things in the area worth blowing up were the cameras themselves.

Inspector Tom Logan said: “After endless footage of Birmingham city centre, many officers were praying a lorry full of fertiliser and nails was parked next to their heads.

“Nietzsche said that if you stare into the abyss long enough, the abyss stares back at you. I can prove empirically that is indeed the case. And may I also add that the abyss sounds like Jasper Carrott.”

Meanwhile, it has emerged that many of the officers have developed chronic amphetamine addictions to help them stay awake.

One local resident said: “I was coming home from a night shift and as I walked past the police station I could hear two officers having a really intense conversation about who was going to the 24-hour garage for Red Bull while Motorhead played in the background.”

A written log of one officer monitoring the CCTV revealed:

09:28: I thought I saw a crisp packet go by, and then I realised that I just hoped I did. Oh sweet fucking Jesus, it’s only half-nine.

11:42: Pigeon.

13:26: Pigeon.

15:13: Have started moving the camera around in a semaphore of despair, but nobody sees, nobody cares.

17:38: Chaffinch?

21:53: It’s raining. Again. Am going to pass time calculating the number of raindrops it would take to drown myself.

Drama critic, Charlie Reeves, praised the CCTV log, adding: “It’s like an episode of The Bill co-written by Pinter and Beckett, but I wouldn’t recommend it unless you can turn your cheerfulness button all the way up to Kriss Akabussi.”


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You're On Your Own, Say Guide Dogs

BLIND people across Britain were bumping into things today after thousands of guide dogs deserted their posts.

As vets revealed a sharp increase in the number of attacks on guide dogs by other dogs the animals immediately said ‘fuck this for a game of soldiers’ and wandered off to look for some sheep excrement.

Roy Hobbs, a seven year-old Labrador from Peterborough, said: “I’ve been through five years of training, I had to pass three sets of exams and I have a special certificate with my name on it. In dog terms I’m basically the equivalent of an architect, or maybe a chartered surveyor.

“So you can understand my reaction when one of these uneducated FUCKERS comes up and starts giving me shit.

“I’m out there working for a fucking living, while these bastards sit about all day, licking their nuts and thinking they’re better than me.

“I know where the post office is. I can hear how close a lorry is. I can help some old blind guy cross a fucking road. Meanwhile they’re living on hand outs and sniffing 15 different kinds of piss.

“I think a lot of them might be foreign.”

He added: “Fuck this shit. I’m going to go and live in the country with a decent family who have an Aga I can lie beside and a paddock filled with a wide variety of faeces that I can work my way through without having to justify myself to a bunch of arseholes.”

Standing cautiously at the top of the stairs, Roy Hobbs’ owner Bill McKay, said: “Roy is very diligent, though he does drink a bit. I really hope he comes back, because I don’t think this is going to work with a cat.”

But Hobbs added: “It’s all fucked up. When I was young guide dogs commanded respect. Puppies would ask for my advice, I was the guest of honour at school prize giving ceremonies, I was quoted in the local press.

“And, I’ll be completely honest with you, I got a lot of fanny.”