Police hunt whoever is putting infuriatingly small amounts of food back in fridge

POLICE are searching for whoever puts things like half a sausage back into the fridge.

The manhunt follows ongoing reports of annoyingly insignificant food items like a half-eaten Muller Corner and a thumbnail-sized piece of cheese being left in refrigerators to be ignored until they begin to smell.

Bath-based Tom Logan said: “Last night I opened my fridge to find a bowl containing nine baked beans. What sort of freak decants a small mouthful of beans into a bowl and covers it with clingfilm?

“Also there was a tub of butter that was empty unless you had an electron microscope that could locate the remaining molecules of spread.

“Whoever is doing this, they must be found and they must be punished.”

A police spokesman said: “One poor woman found a single foil-wrapped sardine stashed behind a tub of Philadelphia. God only knows what the perpetrator planned to do with it.”

He added: “If you are thinking of putting a minuscule amount of food back into someone’s fridge, think very hard about whether you should just put it in your mouth.”

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Mourinho claims Old Trafford is haunted 

JOSE Mourinho has blamed his team’s poor home form on a vengeful ghost.

After failing to win at home in the Premier League since September, suspicions were starting to be raised that this was in some way connected the Manchester United manager.

Mourinho said: “The spirit looks like an angry little woman who jumps around the goal to stop the ball going in. And it keeps forcing me to play Rashford on the wing against my will.

“The players are absolutely 100 percent still on my side despite my frequent press conferences where I suggest their impropriety with livestock and invent colourful compound swear words to describe their mothers.

“But then the ghostly hag possesses their bodies and makes them play like it’s a PE lesson on the last day of term and it’s raining. It’s infuriating.”

Mourinho claims the kicked water bottle during yesterday’s match was further evidence of poltergeist activity at the ground. He has asked the Most Haunted team to review footage for tell-tale lens flares.

A series of expensive exorcists will be bought during the January transfer window to rid Old Trafford of the troublesome sprite, as well as investigate whether Paul Pogba has been whisked away to the spirit realm.