Police stopped solving crimes in 2005

THE police have apologised to anyone who thought they still solve crimes.

Chief constable Norman Steele explained that the police stopped dealing with crime in 2005 in order to concentrate on Facebook disputes, student demonstrations and PR campaigns.

Steele said: “I apologise if some people didn’t realise, but we did announce it on our Facebook page, just under the competition to design a diversity mascot.

“On that note, I can report that Tatiana the Tolerant Tiger is proving very popular in primary schools.

“The problem is that criminals take up a disproportionate amount of police time. They’re always running away and getting a straight answer out of them is a bloody nightmare.

“So it makes more sense to concentrate our resources on areas where we can really make a difference, like tweeting about window locks or responsible drinking.”

Steele added that officers were further stretched by filming numerous reality shows for shitty Freeview channels: “Between Cops, Traffic Cops, Night Cops, Tough Cops, Horse Cops and Overweight But Surprisingly Agile Cops we’ve only got time left for a little bit of paperwork.

“The worst part about those shows is they make you jump over walls because it looks cool, which is something we would never do in real life as it is knackering and you could hurt your pelvis.”

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X-Men movies finally as incomprehensible as the comics

THE seventh X-Men film is as bewildering and nonsensical as its source material, it has been confirmed.

X-Men: Days of Future Past features two different timelines, three Wolverines, eight Magnetos, a parallel universe and five alternate futures.

Cinemagoer Nikki Hollis said: “I was completely lost from five minutes in, and I’ve had a migraine for the last three days. Is this why comics fans shun the light?”

Comics blogger Tom Booker said: “You don’t read the X-Men – or X-Factor, or X-Force, or Excalibur, this shit never ends – because you enjoy them.

“You read in the hope that one day you’ll understand who these characters are and what they’re trying to achieve, and then you’ll be able to stop. But you never will.”

Producer Tom Logan said: “By being true to the comics, we’ve made films that you have to see twice at the cinema and six times on DVD even to begin to follow.

“Our next movie introduces Cable, Cyclops’s son with a clone of Jean Grey who was raised by a cult in a dystopian alternate future led by his half-sister from a different dystopian alternate future and infected with a techno-organic virus before travelling to the present day to fight his evil clone Stryfe.

“It’s the kind of classic story we can all relate to.”