Polo shirt wearers slammed for lack of effort

POLO shirts are not acceptable at smart occasions, lazy bastards have been told.

Also it is made of weird material

Although the garments are just jazzed up t-shirts, thousands of men have been wearing them to weddings on the basis that they have a collar and buttons.

Web designer Tom Booker said: “Job interviews, christenings, meeting the girlfriend’s parents – I’ve gotten through the lot without doing any ironing thanks to a polo shirt and a v-neck jumper.

“The only danger is that I have keep to stifling sniggers at those blind chumps who’ve no idea how thoroughly they’re being conned.

“They actually think it’s a real shirt. They don’t know there are only three buttons, the suckers.”

Fashion blogger Carolyn Ryan said: “Men in polo shirts imagine they’ve discovered a magical third way, a garment that’s acceptable for the boardroom and the beach.

“The rest of us pity these men who can commit to neither the full-blooded formality of a shirt nor the devil-may-care insouciance of a t-shirt.

“They sit on the fence, neither fish nor fowl, outsiders in every sphere of life, cackling with self-delusion.”

Lacoste polo shirt Roy Hobbs said: “I am an unholy fusion of two things, a mutant half-breed that, like the liger, was never meant to be. Please, let me die.”

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Five-year-olds told fun is over for next 60 years 

CHILDREN have begun six decades of doing things they do not want to do.

No more dicking around

Infants who previously spent all their time having fun will now be required to dress in clothes they hate, sit down at desks and write words and numbers until they want to cry.

After school, they will come home and write words and numbers until bedtime, a routine which will continue unchanged for the next 13 years.

At 18 years old, they can choose between taking a job where they write words and numbers, taking a job in which 13 years of learning words and numbers was a waste of time, or going to big school for a few years before being presented with the same options again.

They will then continue on their chosen path until the age of 68 or death, whichever comes first.

Five-year-old Tom Logan said: “My favourite thing is doing whatever I want at any given moment, so I was excited about school where mum and dad wouldn’t be there to stop me.

“But it’s even worse. And the big boys say the lessons get harder and harder and you get more and more homework just forever.

“I mean I don’t want to sound ungrateful, but was it really worth me being born?”