Working class area of London to be kept as a living museum

AN AUTHENTICALLY working class area of London will be allowed to continue existing as a tourist attraction.

A one-mile-square section of Barking is to be preserved as the London Museum of Common Life, where visitors in armoured buses can see the city as it was in its lawless, pre-gentrification state.

Mayor Boris Johnson said: “The developers won’t be allowed in, and the locals won’t be allowed out. They must continue with their gritty existences, acting out their vivid family dramas and cash-in-hand business interactions for the benefit of paying visitors.

“When I visited, the armed guide took us to a ‘one pound shop’ to buy mysterious foreign cleaning products, and then we went to a cafe and ate things cooked by a fat lady in an overall.

“The avocados in the local market are so cheap it’s astonishing. I wouldn’t eat one though, they’re probably all grey inside.”

North Londoner Helen Archer visited the museum in search of a community experience: “They have shops that sell nothing but office furniture, and pubs that don’t do food.

“There are stalls that repair Apple laptops but without being officially endorsed by the corporation. And tattooed shirtless men with lean bodies like greyhounds.”

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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
This week you will try to convince workmates that Jazzy B’s full name is Jazzy Bastard.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You will be left confused after seeing a guide dog licking its balls while wearing a tabard saying ‘Don’t disturb me, I’m working’.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Trouble on your commute today as you report a suspicious-looking bag at the train station and she asks you not to call her that.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Your job interview on Monday starts badly when asked why you want to work for the company you reply “To fuck shit up”.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
You’ve finally found just the right shade of floor tile for the bathroom, ‘Strainy Beige’.

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The NASA probe that passed by Pluto yesterday failed to photograph how much it has been making life miserable for Sagittarius recently.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You oppose arranged marriages on ethical grounds but this weekend you’ll realise that buying a ring or hiring a vicar is the very least you can do.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
After posting a run on Facebook where you do a 10km circuit of your local park in 40 minutes you’re forced to admit you strapped your Fitbit to your dog.  

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
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Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
The key to a really good steak is to cook it from room temperature, have a smoking-hot griddle and don’t buy it in a pub car park from a bloke with a hacking cough.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Treat your other half to a nice Friday night this week by not going home.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Bass for your face. And a Chardonnay for your wife, wasn’t it?