Poor People Having Brilliant Sex, Say Experts

POOR people are having hours of glorious, acrobatic sex, unencumbered by the nuisance of condoms, it emerged last night.

Amid new research into how ill-fitting condoms are reducing the pleasure of intercourse, experts said the quickest route to enjoyable sex is to be poor and not care about anything.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "Most poor people would not know the difference between a Durex Featherlite and an aircraft carrier.

"Instead they exist in a state of blissful, contraceptive ignorance, almost as if the outside world is contained within a latex sheath that prevents facts from getting through and impregnating their brain with knowledge that will eventually lead to the birth of a tiny little thought.

"This leaves them free to have hours of fantastic intercourse in a range of exciting positions, up to and including the very special one that simply cannot result in a baby."

He added: "Nevertheless the skank, or skankette, will invariably conceive, typically once every nine to 12 months, meanwhile her sex partner is having yet more magnificent, uninhibited coitus with all of her soon-to-be-impregnated friends.

"In this sexual utopia no-one complains about condoms that are too tight or too baggy, they simply focus their energies on high-quality rutting interrupted only by skunk breaks and the tedious instructions of an angry midwife.

"And of course in the midst of this seemingly endless banquet of thundering orgasms, the absolute best bit is, you're paying the bill.

"Anyway, have a nice day at work."


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Dark Matter Could Destroy Uri Geller, Say Scientists

THE mysterious substance which makes up 90 percent of the universe may be able to destroy Uri Geller, scientists have claimed.

Researchers working in underground laboratories have conducted preliminary tests with dark matter and believe it could be used to remove the Israeli spoon-bender from the space-time continuum.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "We put a little bit of the dark matter on the end of a Kettle chip and fed it to a mouse .

"It staggered about, made a noise like a constipated Harold Bishop and then disappeared into a whirling vortex like the ship at the end of Event Horizon."

He added: "At first we discussed how we could harness this incredible power and use it for good – maybe create a source of clean, unlimited energy or a new way of comparing insurance quotes.

"But then I thought 'fuck that', let's just slip some into Uri Geller's yoghurt."

However, physicists have warned the fabric of space could unravel if dark matter is used to extinguish a git of Geller's volume and density.

Professor Joanna Kramer, of Reading University, said: "All life would cease to exist in a single split second, every single galaxy, star and planet would be crushed down to an object the size of a pomegranate.

"Then again, no fucknuts claiming he made their watch go all wonky. I just can't decide."