POOR people are having hours of glorious, acrobatic sex, unencumbered by the nuisance of condoms, it emerged last night.
Amid new research into how ill-fitting condoms are reducing the pleasure of intercourse, experts said the quickest route to enjoyable sex is to be poor and not care about anything.
Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "Most poor people would not know the difference between a Durex Featherlite and an aircraft carrier.
"Instead they exist in a state of blissful, contraceptive ignorance, almost as if the outside world is contained within a latex sheath that prevents facts from getting through and impregnating their brain with knowledge that will eventually lead to the birth of a tiny little thought.
"This leaves them free to have hours of fantastic intercourse in a range of exciting positions, up to and including the very special one that simply cannot result in a baby."
He added: "Nevertheless the skank, or skankette, will invariably conceive, typically once every nine to 12 months, meanwhile her sex partner is having yet more magnificent, uninhibited coitus with all of her soon-to-be-impregnated friends.
"In this sexual utopia no-one complains about condoms that are too tight or too baggy, they simply focus their energies on high-quality rutting interrupted only by skunk breaks and the tedious instructions of an angry midwife.
"And of course in the midst of this seemingly endless banquet of thundering orgasms, the absolute best bit is, you're paying the bill.
"Anyway, have a nice day at work."