Postman pretty sure it's a vibrator

A POSTMAN in Gloucester strongly suspects he is delivering a sex toy.

Wayne Hayes, a postman who has had the same route for five years, says his first suspicion came from a glittering heart logo in the corner of the box.

He continued: “That suggests a romantic gift, but it’s not chocolates because chocolates don’t rattle. It sounds more like a torch rolling around in there.

“When I semi-accidentally dropped the box, the whole thing started shaking, as if the package contained an electric shaver.

“Or, more likely, a penis-shaped object with variable speed settings. Which is a bit embarrassing, isn’t it?”

Recipient Nikki Hollis said: “Thanks for this, I can’t wait to stick it in my vagina.”

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Family discovers camper van really just a prison cell on wheels

A COUPLE who spent the weekend in a camper van with their children have realised it is basically a punishment cell on wheels.

Tom and Susan Logan had anticipated fun outdoor activities, not being trapped in a confined space with the most basic facilities and constant interpersonal tension.

Teacher Tom Logan said: “Due to rain we spent hours playing cards accompanied by the whiff of faeces from the chemical toilet, or as I now call it, ‘slop bucket’.

“It was also like prison because there’s no privacy and you can hear every snore and fart from the people around you. At one point I heard a man crying in the night, which was me.

“In that claustrophobic space arguments easily flare up. Emily hit Josh over the head with her iPad and Susan called me a ‘clumsy bastard’ for getting in her way in the ludicrously cramped ‘kitchen’.

“No one actually got ‘shanked’ with a sharpened toothbrush but if we’d had to stay longer I wouldn’t have ruled it out.”

Susan Logan said: “Next time we’re going to a hotel or Center Parcs. I ain’t never going back inside.”