Pregnant Women To Be Labelled

EXPECTANT women are to be labelled to avoid embarrassing confusion with the fat ones, it has been confirmed.

The department of health made the move after a spate of awkward incidents where seats on public transport were inadvertently offered to hefty, red-faced women who were not with child.

A spokesman said: “Too many innocent bystanders are being dragged into potentially explosive situations because, through no fault of their own, they are unable to tell whether a woman is full of baby or pie.”

The government wants mothers-to-be to carry a clear visual indicator of their condition, such as a a nappy worn as a skull cap, or a pair of large, bright yellow Y-fronts worn on the outside of their trousers or skirt.

At weddings or other social functions the women would be allowed to wear a fashionable hat as long as it has ‘inseminated’ written somewhere on the front.

The spokesman added: “If you encounter a large woman who is not labelled, simply engage her in a brief conversation. Her condition should become apparent within seconds, what with all the total insanity.

“If you say something like ‘nice day isn’t it?’ and she responds by grabbing you roughly by the throat and trying to rip your nose off with her teeth, then it’s safe to assume it’s a woman in her third trimester, rather than some kind of bi-ped Haagen Dazs bucket.”

However, larger women stressed they are not offended by pregnancy misconceptions. Well-covered estate agent Emma Bradford said: “My lovely big belly virtually guarantees me a seat on the way to work. It’s one of the main reasons I eat so much cheese-coated beef.

“Sometimes I even carry a book of baby names or puke into a bag.”

 

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