Prison escape lacks narrative drive

A real-life prison escape completely lacked the tension and excitement of Hollywood prison breaks, it has emerged.

Convicted murderer John Massey, 64, escaped from Pentonville Prison by lowering himself over a wall and running away, a plan that completely lacked the ingenuity of spending 20 years digging a tunnel with a tiny rock hammer.

A Prison Service spokesman  said: “At the very least we would have preferred Massey to escape while handcuffed to another prisoner, leading to wise-ass dialogue and them going ‘WOOOOOOOAAH SHIIIIT!’ when they try to drive a car.

“It also appears that Massey did not enlist the help of an older African-American prisoner, probably because his actual cellmate is a burglar from Swindon with drug and mental health issues who spends all day doing puzzle books.”

An investigation is now underway to establish how Massey managed to escape without threatening a prison doctor with a syringe full of floor cleaner, getting his girlfriend to hide a gun in her vagina, or building a glider.

Home secretary Theresa May said: “Britain still suffers from dramatically uninteresting escapes. Massey escaped in order to visit his elderly mother, not to avoid a vicious gang of male rapists, which would have been more exciting.

“We’re trying to encourage more male rape among inmates, but a lot of them just don’t fancy each other.”

Massey is now back in custody, where he is believed to be devising a complicated plan to run off when someone leaves a door open.


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Bank of England 'thought Libor was a brand of toilet cleaner'

THE Bank of England inadvertently sanctioned the manipulation of interest rates because it thought Libor was a powerful disinfectant.

It has been revealed that Barclays traders believed they had the go-ahead to falsify interest rates after the Bank’s deputy governor Paul Tucker said Libor should go ‘below the rim’.

A source said: “Barclays chief Bob Diamond asked Tucker what they should do with Libor and after a very long pause Tucker said ‘follow the instructions on the bottle and then flush twice’.

“Bob assumed this was some sort of code.

“Tucker then said that without squeezing the Libor everything would become ‘very stinky’. Bob, quite rightly, took this to be a ringing endorsement.”

A Bank of England spokesman said: “London Inter-Bank Offered Rate? I have no idea what any of that means. What, for example, is a ‘London’?

“If someone says a word that you have never heard before it’s perfectly normal to assume that it’s a cleaning product.”

Meanwhile, experts said that the Bank’s accidental complicity in defrauding everyone means the financial industry will now have to be regulated by Kevin McCloud from Grand Designs.