A real-life prison escape completely lacked the tension and excitement of Hollywood prison breaks, it has emerged.
Convicted murderer John Massey, 64, escaped from Pentonville Prison by lowering himself over a wall and running away, a plan that completely lacked the ingenuity of spending 20 years digging a tunnel with a tiny rock hammer.
A Prison Service spokesman said: “At the very least we would have preferred Massey to escape while handcuffed to another prisoner, leading to wise-ass dialogue and them going ‘WOOOOOOOAAH SHIIIIT!’ when they try to drive a car.
“It also appears that Massey did not enlist the help of an older African-American prisoner, probably because his actual cellmate is a burglar from Swindon with drug and mental health issues who spends all day doing puzzle books.”
An investigation is now underway to establish how Massey managed to escape without threatening a prison doctor with a syringe full of floor cleaner, getting his girlfriend to hide a gun in her vagina, or building a glider.
Home secretary Theresa May said: “Britain still suffers from dramatically uninteresting escapes. Massey escaped in order to visit his elderly mother, not to avoid a vicious gang of male rapists, which would have been more exciting.
“We’re trying to encourage more male rape among inmates, but a lot of them just dont fancy each other.”
Massey is now back in custody, where he is believed to be devising a complicated plan to run off when someone leaves a door open.