Professional Northerner caught drinking wine

A PROFESSIONAL Northerner’s credibility is in tatters after he was caught drinking wine.

A number of incidents have cast doubt on Yorkshireman Roy Hobbs’s claims that he only eats pies and regards anything cultural as ‘daft’.

Friend Donna Sheridan said: “I popped round unexpectedly to lend Roy a book about pigeon racing and noticed a half-eaten meal of beef bourguignon, some steamed vegetables and a bottle of Argentinian Malbec.

“He made some excuse about Tesco running out of hotpot and Boddingtons, but then I heard classical music on his radio, rather than The Fall or The Macc Lads.”

Hobbs said: “This is all a huge mix-up. I only went on that cookery course to get better at proper Northern grub like tripe in vinegar or a massive plate of mince and onion.”

He now faces disciplinary action from the Association of Professional Northerners and could be stripped of his right to use the word ‘bugger’.

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America to remain in darkness until at least 2020

THERE will be a darkness cloaking America for at least the next three years, it has emerged.

Millions of Americans took to the streets to hopefully watch the sun emerge from behind the moon, only to find that their country remained shrouded in darkness.

Tom Booker, from Oregon, said: “I guess we are stuck with the darkness, unless investigations into the darkness’s business practices turn up anything juicey and it gets removed.

“But I can’t imagine the darkness will go easily because it’s big and fat and sticky.

“On the plus side, I am saving a fortune on sun cream.”

Emma Bradford from Florida said: “I just avoid looking directly at the darkness, because it can make you go a bit insane.

“The best thing is to not think about it too much, keep eating slightly too much food, and hope this year brings another Lego Movie.”