THE apple crops are looking much better this year, Leave voters have confirmed.
Britain’s orchards are now full of large juicy apples, after last year’s crop withered and died despite an early blossom.
UKIP voter Roy Hobbs said: “Last year we sacrificed a policeman who was also a virgin, but without success. This year, the crops will not fail.
“We voted to leave the EU and now the branches are positively groaned with the biggest, reddest apples we have ever sense.
“We will drink cider and eat apple pie, apple jam and other apple-based products. Probably there will be some sort of barn dance with flags.”
However fellow villagers and student Nikki Hollis has been condemned as a heathen after questioning the economic effects of leaving the EU.
Hobbs added: “But the orchard gods are appeased. What else matters? There are delicious apples for everyone.
“Well, not foreigners obviously. They can get their own fucking apples.”