Promising apple crop convinces Leavers they made the right decision

THE apple crops are looking much better this year, Leave voters have confirmed.

Britain’s orchards are now full of large juicy apples, after last year’s crop withered and died despite an early blossom.

UKIP voter Roy Hobbs said: “Last year we sacrificed a policeman who was also a virgin, but without success. This year, the crops will not fail.

“We voted to leave the EU and now the branches are positively groaned with the biggest, reddest apples we have ever sense.

“We will drink cider and eat apple pie, apple jam and other apple-based products. Probably there will be some sort of barn dance with flags.”

However fellow villagers and student Nikki Hollis has been condemned as a heathen after questioning the economic effects of leaving the EU.

Hobbs added: “But the orchard gods are appeased. What else matters? There are delicious apples for everyone.

“Well, not foreigners obviously. They can get their own fucking apples.”

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Entire family being melodramatic twats about Brexit

A FAMILY has decided to treat the referendum result as an overwrought personal drama.

The Sheridan family from Nottingham is making the most of the dramatic potential of the crisis, in a thinly-veiled attempt to milk some attention out of it.

Mum Donna said: “I just keep watching the news and crying. It’s like a nuclear war except without any fatalities.

“Then my husband said ‘Don’t worry, I’m going to get us through this!’, like Kevin Costner in a PG-rated disaster movie. Except Kevin Costner wouldn’t have voted Leave.

“My husband’s name was Pete but now it’s Judas.”

13-year-old son Martin said: ““I had an argument with dad, but it fizzled out because the football came on and I was texting a friend anyway. This is how it must have been in the English Civil War.”

His younger brother Robert said: “Leaving the EU means there’s no future for the younger generation, so I’ll probably move to a thriving economy like China where they need people with HNDs in performing arts.

“That’s if a British Nazi party hasn’t taken over and put me in a camp for being a member of the Lego Club.”