THE Raleigh Bicycle Company could soon no longer exist, but its famous Choppers required a lot of imagination to be cool. These items required serious delusions too.
Star Trek: The Motion Picture Weetabix cards
These were ‘action cards’, ie. drawings of the characters from the rather dull 1979 film you could fold at the bottom to make them stand up. Believing they in any way resembled proper action figures was a true triumph of the imagination.
Raleigh Choppers
Easy Rider would be a very different film if Peter Fonda and Dennis Hopper had been riding Raleigh Choppers, making them look like wankers and forcing them to awkwardly pedal in a reclining position. Your own Chopper certainly didn’t lead to exciting adventures such as dropping acid with hippy girls; going to the newsagents for a Mini Milk was the extent of your thrilling road trip.
Crossfire
A version of table hockey with – supposedly – ball bearings flying across the arena at deadly velocities. They didn’t, you just mashed the trigger until the puck randomly went into your opponent’s goal. ‘You’ve got to be good with a gun!’ claimed the advert. Good at lying to yourself, more likely.
Atari Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back
Putting Empire on an 80s Atari 2600 console was a tall order, but Atari ‘succeeded’ by making the game consist entirely of shooting a blocky AT-AT walker and repeating it an infinite number of times. Any child imaginative enough to think this resembled the epic Battle of Hoth in the film surely became a successful sci-fi author, or was put on anti-psychotic medication.
Mr Frosty
A wonderland of delicious slushie fun was promised. After endless grinding a tiny amount of ice was produced, which you could swallow in one gulp with some of the cordial provided. It came with ice lolly moulds, as if they knew how shit the actual Mr Frosty was. Is it too late to prosecute and imprison the liars at Berwick Toys?
The Intruder
This low-effort Action Man enemy was some sort of alien barbarian, as Palitoy attempted to move away from war-themed toys and cash in on the 1970s sci-fi boom. A large button on his back delivered ‘a vicious bear hug’, more accurately described as ‘an awkward gentle grasp’. Still, it was probably healthier than indoctrinating children to hate Germans in 1977.
Evel Knievel Stunt Cycle
These must-have toys featured an Evel doll on a motorbike with a flywheel which sent him roaring off to perform amazing stunts. Or immediately fall over. They’re now notorious for never working, and required an almost hallucinatory level of delusion. Has that doll on a motorbike just toppled over pathetically for the 100th time? No, he’s doing stunts!
Pop guns
Free on various comics, these looked excellent: some sort of gun with a mechanism that might fire a projectile, perhaps even dangerously? In reality they just made a cap come off the barrel with a ‘pop’, or would have done if they’d ever worked. A total disappointment, but they taught you that things that seem good frequently turn out to be shit. Could you ask for a more useful lesson in life?
