COFFEE drinkers make an almighty drama about what is ultimately just a cup of hot liquid. Here’s why tea drinkers are better human beings.
No pissing about with froth
Do you need a lot of frothy bubbles on top of your hot drink to make it palatable? And then have some dick in an apron draw a pretty little picture on top of it? What are you, five years old? You can’t piss about with tea in this manner, making the people who prefer it to coffee way less likely to be fussy little bellends.
Nobody gives a toss about the origin of tea leaves
Tea is grown all over the world, but no tea drinker it is interested in where the leaves come from; they just neck it. Coffee drinkers, on the other hand, are always wanking on about the superiority of single origin beans, not to mention other pretentious bullshit like flavour profiles. It’s almost as if they have nothing else interesting in their sad little lives.
Tea doesn’t require endless poncey names
If you were working in a cafe, would you rather someone came in and said ‘Can I have a tea, please?’ or ‘Can I have a double-shot oat milk frappe latte with a pump of vanilla syrup?’ Obviously the former. The simple elegance of tea reflects well on the drinker, whereas coffee drinkers are messy nightmares who love to needlessly complicate matters, probably just for the attention.
You don’t have to be trained to make it
Mug. Teabag. Water. Milk. Sugar if you want it. Tea is easy to make and difficult to get wrong. However, coffee is so ridiculously complicated that the person making it has to go on a training course. It’s true that it can be made at home from a jar, but people who drink coffee look down their noses at that, like the sneering bastards they are.
Tea drinkers aren’t wankers
However hard you try, the wankiest you can get with a cup of tea is asking for Earl Grey. While coffee drinkers are fannying around with cafetières and pods and drippers and grinders, tea drinkers are just putting a bag in a cup. Apart from people who insist on using tea leaves and strainers, of course. They’re just as bad as the coffee twats and should be shot.