Red Arrows drew dick pics in sky

THE Red Arrows display team harassed women by drawing enormous representations of their penises across the sky, an investigation has found.

The RAF’s aerobatic team had a toxic culture which preyed on women using Hawk fast jets to create smoke sketches of their own genitalia more than 800 yards long in red, blue and vivid white.

Wing commander Denys Finch Hatton said: “For a woman walking through an airbase to hear the wolf-whistle of jet engines and turn to see a colossal member pointed at her from the very heavens is indefensible.

“The supreme flying skill required to create such a display, from the balls to the shaft to the triumphant final three-plane ejaculation, is irrelevant. These pilots have perverted their gifts.

“And at a cost of roughly £300,000 per pud in fuel and flight time, it’s an insult to the taxpayer as well.

“I reject the claim the men involved were ‘not sexist’ because ‘sometimes they drew big pairs of tits as well’ as mere sophistry.”

A Red Arrows pilot said: “But no girls will go out with us.”

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No pissing about with froth: Why tea drinkers are far superior to coffee twats

COFFEE drinkers make an almighty drama about what is ultimately just a cup of hot liquid. Here’s why tea drinkers are better human beings.

No pissing about with froth

Do you need a lot of frothy bubbles on top of your hot drink to make it palatable? And then have some dick in an apron draw a pretty little picture on top of it? What are you, five years old? You can’t piss about with tea in this manner, making the people who prefer it to coffee way less likely to be fussy little bellends.

Nobody gives a toss about the origin of tea leaves

Tea is grown all over the world, but no tea drinker it is interested in where the leaves come from; they just neck it. Coffee drinkers, on the other hand, are always wanking on about the superiority of single origin beans, not to mention other pretentious bullshit like flavour profiles. It’s almost as if they have nothing else interesting in their sad little lives. 

Tea doesn’t require endless poncey names

If you were working in a cafe, would you rather someone came in and said ‘Can I have a tea, please?’ or ‘Can I have a double-shot oat milk frappe latte with a pump of vanilla syrup?’ Obviously the former. The simple elegance of tea reflects well on the drinker, whereas coffee drinkers are messy nightmares who love to needlessly complicate matters, probably just for the attention.

You don’t have to be trained to make it

Mug. Teabag. Water. Milk. Sugar if you want it. Tea is easy to make and difficult to get wrong. However, coffee is so ridiculously complicated that the person making it has to go on a training course. It’s true that it can be made at home from a jar, but people who drink coffee look down their noses at that, like the sneering bastards they are.

Tea drinkers aren’t wankers

However hard you try, the wankiest you can get with a cup of tea is asking for Earl Grey. While coffee drinkers are fannying around with cafetières and pods and drippers and grinders, tea drinkers are just putting a bag in a cup. Apart from people who insist on using tea leaves and strainers, of course. They’re just as bad as the coffee twats and should be shot.