Rest of human race having more fun than you

EVERYONE else is having a better time than you, it has emerged.

New research has confirmed your suspicions that the rest of humanity has better sex, nicer holidays and a more interesting social life.

Pleasure analyst and marketing expert Tom Logan said: “My God, everyone else is having such a laugh.

“Whenever you’re not around, there’s this crazy magic in the air and anything could happen.

“It’s like everyone else is living in the moment, while you’re slightly behind, in the fading ex-moment.”

Logan explained: “It’s similar to quantum theory, which claims that particles behave differently when they are being observed. Whenever you’re in the room, looking for fun, fun mysteriously dissipates.”

Logan highlighted evidence including virtually all photographs on social media and the way that when you walk into a gathering everyone else looks a bit sheepish, like they have just had group sex.

He said: “As well as having more fun, everyone else has jobs that are more rewarding and better paid. Also their families are taller and healthier with lustrous hair, unlike yours which looks like a nest of damp straw.

“You’ll probably never have as much of a laugh as everyone else. But you need to keep hoping. And buying things.”

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Saturn moon is beach ball lost by massive aliens

ONE of Saturn’s moons is a beach ball misplaced by a race of super-massive aliens.

Astronomers confirmed that Titan is made of plastic, filled with gas and has a valve on the top.

Dr Martin Bishop, from Roehampton University, said: “It’s a miracle it hasn’t been punctured by an asteroid.

“If it is then it will either deflate slowly until it’s just a flaccid, useless pancake, or it will fly randomly around the solar system while sounding like an extended bout of flatulence.”

Dr Bishop said the original owners of Titan had an average height of 190,000 miles and hands the size of Mexico.

He added: “Hopefully they won’t come looking for it, but if they do we are all fucked.”