Runaway dads ever so worried about public opinion

A LOUD chorus of tut-tutting will sort out Britain’s scumbags, it was confirmed last night.

Across the country utter pieces of shit admitted they would be powerless in the face of a public disapproval onslaught.

Their humiliating surrender was a victory for David Cameron and his magnificent decision to use Father’s Day to launch his invincible opinion about fathers.

The prime minister said: “Like drink-drivers, runaway dads have blown into a bag. They should be held responsible for that.

“If you see one, wag your finger and tell him to stop acting the goat.

“You’ll know you’ve touched a raw nerve if he lunges at your chest with a broken bottle.”

Sociologist, Dr Tom Logan, said: “Absentee fathers are exactly like drunk drivers, especially if the car is really drunk too and they both decide to go for a dirty spin behind KFC.”

Wayne Hayes, a father of at least four from Darlington, vowed to begin an extensive pub crawl this morning in a bid to find out where his children live.

He added: “My entire life has been a relentless quest for the approval of Daily Telegraph readers.”

“I can’t believe I got it so wrong.”



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'Murray, Fred Perry, historic strawberries' says Britain

TENNIS will start being played in Britain today apart from all the other places in Britain where it is played all the time.  

Many people who watch tennis for the two weeks it happens specifically in South West London think that Andy Murray has a great chance of winning the trophy or cup or whatever it is because some people who watch it the other 50 weeks of the year say so.

Andy Murray said: “Practising hard, good form, biggest stage, try my best, history, groin, Nadal, handed my arse, fired my trainer.”

He then said some other things that people struggled to understand because of his accent.

Nikki Hollis, considered an expert on tennis amongst her friends because she watched that Woody Allen film with Scarlett Johansson in it most of the way through said: “I think Andy’s got a great chance this year because he’s really improved his forehead.

“Anyway, he should be okay as long as he avoids Sampras because he can hit the ball very hard.

“Really? When did that happen?”

She added: “Anyway me, Holly and the girls managed to get tickets tomorrow for court five and it should be a really good day’s tennis because all the rain we’ve been having has done wonders for the strawberries.”

 The weather could play a vital role in this year’s tournament, as many fear delays will cause them to have to pretend to care about the whole thing for more than the scheduled two weeks.

Organisers have also warned that two months of solid rain, alongside the combined genital excitement of thousands of confused housewives, might turn Andy’s Acclivity, formally Henman’s Hump, into a dangerous mudslide that could joyfully engulf the entire complex.