Scientist proves that mediums aren't stupid

SIMON Singh’s bid to have a psychic prove her supernatural powers was turned down after it emerged she is not an idiot.

The living embodiment of The Guardian issued a challenge to  Sally Morgan, who dubs herself as ‘Britain’s Most Popular Simpleton Comforter’, to help advance the twin causes of science and writing smart-arse columns in smug newspapers.

Morgan’s lawyer Roy Hobbs said: “While the workings of psychic reading remain shrouded in mystery, it’s very much an established accounting fact that to throw away millions a year just to try and win a bet you didn’t ask for would be incredibly fucking stupid.

“Mr Singh assumes that just because Sally gets her money from cretins and is often compelled to say cretinous things on stage that she must therefore be a cretin herself.

“But I would offer a counter challenge to him to see if he could become rich armed with nothing but a radio mic and some shit about auras.”

Singh said the challenge could become an annual event, with wealthy voodoo peddlers telling him to shove it from their enormous mansions each Halloween.

He stressed it was important that confused old people know their dead relatives are moldering heaps of mulch that can never communicate with them again and that we are all alone in a dying universe.

Hobbs added: “The public get conned on a daily basis, whether it’s convincing them to take a loan out at 2,000% interest, telling them a pot of face cream will make them look like Heidi Klum, or the idea Louis Walsh knows what music sounds like.

“At least Sally makes them think their dead auntie cares about them getting sacked from Greggs. Could be worse.”

 

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Ailing JJB targets people who do sport

TROUBLED sloth-wear vendor JJB Sports is to market its goods at sporty people.

Since its formation in 1971, JJB has built a nationwide network of stores servicing the tracksuit needs of idle people and petty criminals.

However recent changes to the benefits system and a clampdown on the sort of thefts where the loot is taken straight to a cash-exchange shop have eroded its core customer base.

A JJB spokesman said: “The idea came during a crisis meeting when an executive asked where the word ‘sports’ in JJB Sports came from.

“It’s actually the surname of Jeremy John Brian Sports, the chain’s beloved, long-deceased founder who designed the original ‘tracksuit bottoms’.

“Back in the 70s television channels were called ‘tracks’, hence ‘tracksuit’ was the name Mr Sports gave to his lightweight television-watching trousers.

“But by pure coincidence, the type of breathable, shiny leisure-cum-burglary-wear we sell is quite well-suited to sports like running or tennis.”

He added: “The new message is, our clothes aren’t just great for telly, robbing or sitting outside Wetherspoons smoking skunk while repeatedly pulling your terrier’s lead so hard its front legs leave the ground. You can do sport in them.

“Our only problem now is that no-one except middle class children or retired dentists really does any physical activity.”