Seven-year-old in Stoke identified as UK's youngest gammon

A SEVEN-YEAR-OLD boy living in Stoke has been confirmed as the UK’s youngest gammon.

Jack Browne was found sitting in the garden of the pub his parents own, nursing a pint of milk and airing strong views on Brexit, immigration and low-traffic neighbourhoods.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “We typically associate gammons with being puce-faced old men, so it’s fascinating to have found such a young and furious specimen.

“Has he developed the attitude and demeanour of an elderly racist due to his upbringing or is it somehow innate within him? We’re hoping to study Jack further to find out, if he stops telling us to f**k off back to where we came from.”

Jack’s proud father Wayne said: “The lad’s grown up almost exclusively in the company of pub bores and off-shift taxi drivers so maybe that’s where he gets it. His reading matter has been red top tabloids and the Daily Mail, and his teachers say he has the reading age and tastes of a spiteful pensioner.

“We’re hoping this recognition will get him onto some sort of gifted and talented scheme, you know, like they do with really clever kids. He could be the next leader of UKIP. Or at least the UK’s youngest ever Wetherspoons barfly on the day of his 18th birthday.”

Jack Browne said: “Bugger off, snowflakes.”

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Middle-class families on condescending British holidays

MIDDLE-class families who spent two weeks abroad in summer have deigned to visit British holiday resorts this half-term.

Locations including Devon, Tenby, Whitby and the Isle of Skye will be the recipients of the families’ largesse, especially the owners of fish restaurants and delicatessens who enjoy loud conversations about schooling.

Julian Cook of Reading said: “Well, it’s only October half-term, isn’t it? Weymouth will have to do.

“We’ll put on a brave face despite the weather, joking about how it wasn’t like this in the Dutch Antilles, poking around your little shop and remarking how similar it is to the one Jessica bought and turned into flats.

“One wouldn’t come somewhere like here in summer, or even Easter. Too dismal. But it sort of suits that late October mood.”

Ellie Shaw, who is touring the Highlands with her three red-haired children in waxed jackets, said: “We saw a seal yesterday. So that’s something, isn’t it?

“There’s just not enough to justify more than an autumn week. Though it would be lovely to own a place up here, then we’d visit every half-term in a slightly less begrudging way.”