A SEVEN-YEAR-OLD boy living in Stoke has been confirmed as the UK’s youngest gammon.
Jack Browne was found sitting in the garden of the pub his parents own, nursing a pint of milk and airing strong views on Brexit, immigration and low-traffic neighbourhoods.
Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “We typically associate gammons with being puce-faced old men, so it’s fascinating to have found such a young and furious specimen.
“Has he developed the attitude and demeanour of an elderly racist due to his upbringing or is it somehow innate within him? We’re hoping to study Jack further to find out, if he stops telling us to f**k off back to where we came from.”
Jack’s proud father Wayne said: “The lad’s grown up almost exclusively in the company of pub bores and off-shift taxi drivers so maybe that’s where he gets it. His reading matter has been red top tabloids and the Daily Mail, and his teachers say he has the reading age and tastes of a spiteful pensioner.
“We’re hoping this recognition will get him onto some sort of gifted and talented scheme, you know, like they do with really clever kids. He could be the next leader of UKIP. Or at least the UK’s youngest ever Wetherspoons barfly on the day of his 18th birthday.”
Jack Browne said: “Bugger off, snowflakes.”