THEY think they’re a cut above an ordinary boozer but the drinks on offer suggest otherwise. Here are the abysmal concoctions your local bar dares to call cocktails.
Six Fruit Juices and a Thimble of Value Gin
If you’ve ever eaten an entire packet of Skittles in one mouthful, you’ll know what this drink tastes like. They’ll call it something like ‘the Eliminator’ and promise it’ll get you smashed, but the only thing it eliminates is your body’s insulin levels. Get ready for a sugar crash that will be almost as bad as a hangover.
The Slightly Problematic Tropical One
Mix rum, pineapple juice and Malibu, shake, and pour into a Tiki glass with an umbrella. Technically, it’s neither a Piña Colada, nor a Zombie, so they’ll call it something vague and exotic like ‘Caribbean Smash’. If they’re feeling particularly edgy they might even call it ‘the Kolonial’, but only until someone writes a letter of complaint to the local newspaper.
The Shit Martini
You hear Martini, you think sophistication. Soon you’ll feel like Bond. Perhaps you can woo a suitor by seductively sucking on an olive. Oh wait. No. It’s either an Espresso Martini comprised of Smirnoff and some refrigerated Nescafé, or, worse, it comes on tap. Le Chiffre would have laughed you out of the Casino Royale.
The Blue Drink
Sickly sweet, mysterious, and possibly unfit for human consumption, nobody knows what the Blue Drink contains. Maybe an off-brand energy drink, hopefully some Blue Curaçao, possibly a liberal dash of anti-freeze; who knows? The Blue Drink tastes of everything and nothing. One sip would kill a medieval peasant.
The Improvised Long Island Iced Tea
Even at the Ritz, a Long Island Iced Tea is just a shitload of booze and some Coke. But your local bar doesn’t have Cointreau and their tequila reserves were raided by a Mexican-themed hen party, so they’re substituting triple sec with Absolut and tequila with Grey Goose. Now you’re left with a vodka and Coke that’s four parts vodka, one part Coke.
It’s just six different fruit juices and an umbrella. And it costs £13.
The Sexy Cheeky One
Following in the footsteps of Sex on the Beach and the Porn Star Martini, your local bar is getting frisky with their own invention: the Dirty Little Harlot. It’s vulgar, it’s sexist, it’s basically just vodka and cranberry juice, and it will lead to the local student population protesting outside until it’s hastily retired.