Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
This week for your 18th birthday you get to open the sealed box your parents put together the day you were born. Inside is a slip of paper saying ‘Get a job’.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
The formation for your Sunday League team this weekend is 5-4-1, which is also the average number of arrests, cautions and convictions your team has had.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Today youll buy a hipster flask, which is like a hip flask only you have to put the drinks in it before they are cool.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Why not try a bit of culture this weekend? Maybe try reading one of those book things you’ve heard a few of your friends talking about?
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Why not live dangerously with your peanut allergy by burying your Epi Pen inside a Snickers?
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You decide to quit your yoga class after realising that masturbation is a far more reliable way to have an orgasm.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
This week your local bakery will refuse to bake cakes for gay weddings but refuse to discuss their policy on bi pies.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
During a job interview on Monday somebody will pull out a photo of you eating a sandwich awkwardly, because thats apparently a thing now.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Due to recent overcast weather, your stars haven’t been visible so I’m not sure what happening to you this week. It’ll probably involve alcohol, though. Usually does.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Sometimes you’re your own worst enemy but most of the time it’s everyone else who’s ever met you.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Your sign is the fish which, y’know, explains a lot.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Sex and drugs and rock and roll and pie and mash and Morecambe and Wise and gin and tonic and so forth.