‘Shit’ only accurate word for trains

BRITAIN’S train services are impossible to describe without an excrement comparison, it has emerged.

As Tfl boss Sir Peter Hendy apologised for his honest description of commuter trains as shit, he struggled to find an alternative word.

He said: “I am sorry I said the trains were shit. They’re actually…they’re like…

“In terms of their characteristics, the trains are unreliable, expensive, dirty and overcrowded. The sandwiches are really expensive and taste of the crypt. So in summary you might say they’re…you know…

“I’m a little stuck here.”

Commuter Wayne Hayes said: “The trains are shit. They are the very essence of shitness, the shit thing by which all other shit things are measured.

“If I wanted to be original about it I might say they were wank. But wank does not quite nail it.”

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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
This week for your 18th birthday you get to open the sealed box your parents put together the day you were born. Inside is a slip of paper saying ‘Get a job’.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
The formation for your Sunday League team this weekend is 5-4-1, which is also the average number of arrests, cautions and convictions your team has had.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Today you’ll buy a hipster flask, which is like a hip flask only you have to put the drinks in it before they are cool.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Why not try a bit of culture this weekend? Maybe try reading one of those book things you’ve heard a few of your friends talking about?

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Why not live dangerously with your peanut allergy by burying your Epi Pen inside a Snickers?

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You decide to quit your yoga class after realising that masturbation is a far more reliable way to have an orgasm.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
This week your local bakery will refuse to bake cakes for gay weddings but refuse to discuss their policy on bi pies.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
During a job interview on Monday somebody will pull out a photo of you eating a sandwich awkwardly, because that’s apparently a thing now.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Due to recent overcast weather, your stars haven’t been visible so I’m not sure what happening to you this week. It’ll probably involve alcohol, though. Usually does.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Sometimes you’re your own worst enemy but most of the time it’s everyone else who’s ever met you.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Your sign is the fish which, y’know, explains a lot.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Sex and drugs and rock and roll and pie and mash and Morecambe and Wise and gin and tonic and so forth.