Should we delay easing lockdown? A scientist and a f**kwit debate

SHOULD the UK delay coming out of lockdown on June 21st? Here qualified epidemiologist Stephen Malley and Sun reader Roy Hobbs argue their respective cases.

Malley: To me, rising incidences of the Indian variant suggest we should be cautious. 

Hobbs: I went down the pub last night and I’m not dead. Science is bollocks.

Malley: There is still a lot we don’t know about Covid, for example, harm to younger people and long-term effects.

Hobbs: Look, if I want to go to DFS and buy a sofa that’s my fundamental human right. I’m not letting a bunch of liberal-fascist science eggheads stop me having my freedom. That’s what I call June 21st – Freedom Day. You lot are worse than the Germans.

Malley: I feel that Boris Johnson’s government will do whatever is politically expedient, without regard for the wider public health risks.

Hobbs:  Whatever Boris does, I support him because he’s getting the foreigners out.

Malley: I’m just worried that too much social mingling will lead to a third wave of Covid.

Hobbs: I just want me good old mam round. She’s been locked up in total isolation apart from daily visits by all our family who’ve been ignoring every lockdown rule since they started.

Malley: When a new variant of Covid gets a foothold there’s a danger that cases will rise exponentially.

Hobbs: Expo what? Things go up, things go down. Fancy words won’t get you anywhere. A meteorite could smash into the Earth tomorrow and kill us all. Bet you haven’t done the sums for that.

Malley: This is a waste of my time.

Hobbs: Bugger off and don’t come back then. I’m going to do some proper scientific research by asking people on a 5G conspiracy Facebook page.

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Stupid shit to do when you're filthy rich in London

THE ‘sky pool’ in London has caused controversy because local paupers aren’t allowed to use it. Here are some ostentatious things to do if you’re a rich Londoner.

Driving a Ferrari at 15mph

You must own a high-performance sports car, even if it’s the worst possible vehicle to drive in London’s snail-pace traffic. On the upside, it keeps other road users entertained when you’re stuck behind a 345 bus or keep stalling every 15 minutes.

Ludicrous basement conversions 

Ordinary people feel blessed if their house has a basement to keep a Black & Decker Workmate in. Not you. Buy two f**king massive town houses next to each other, then create a ginormous basement with a home cinema, bowling alley and, quite possibly, a Jurassic Park-style dinosaur zoo. Then watch it slowly collapse because you’ve undermined the foundations.

The sky pool 

To be fair, swimming hundreds of metres above the ground looks pretty cool. But your watery frolicking is made all the more enjoyable by knowing the unwashed local peasants are looking on in envy, isn’t it, you twats?

Going to a trendy restaurant full of other arseholes

All you need for a great meal is decent food, drinkable wine and good company, right? Wrong. It’s important that you’re sitting in the vicinity of utter twats like Charles Saatchi and nibbling on questionable nouvelle cuisine such as individually deep-fried caviar in tempura batter on a bed of poached Polynesian carrot shards.

‘Exclusive’ nightclubs

If your idea of a good night out is catching a brief glimpse of Tom Hiddleston going for a piss while paying £25 for a drink, good for you. You’d actually have more fun doing a couple of pills in a dodgy South London rave where at least the Red Stripe only costs £5 a can.