Sitting alone in car parks confirmed as top leisure activity

MOST adults spend more than ten hours a week slumped in stationary cars hiding from their miserable lives, it has emerged.

The Institute for Studies has found that 77 per cent of Britons regularly sit motionless behind the wheel of their vehicle, unable to start the engine.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Pleasant leisure activities like fishing and book groups have been mostly replaced by car-bound contemplation of life’s futility.

“The great thing about sitting alone in a car park is that it can be easily combined with the UK’s second favourite leisure activity, which is rushing around a supermarket feeling angry and judging strangers.”

Office manager Tom Booker said: “I see sitting alone in a car park as a useful way to explore my varied feelings of despair and unhappiness.

“If I’m feeling sad but contemplative I’ll head to the windswept top of the local multi-storey, whereas the PC World car park is best for an existential crisis accompanied by loud sobbing.

“However, my favourite is the Waitrose car park which combines  exquisite melancholy with a burning rage that some people earn enough money to shop there on a weekly basis.”

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Football Manager not real

THE Football Manager games depict fictional events with no bearing on reality, it has been confirmed.

Fan of the sports simulation have been warned to stop talking about Matias Kranevitter and Luka Jovic as if they know them, because that is not rational.

Psychologist Mary Fisher said: “After confirming that the person they are talking to has a working knowledge of football, a Football Manager fan launches into a blow-by-blow account of a fictional 15-year managerial career, demonstrating an unhealthily encyclopaedic knowledge of players they wouldn’t recognise in the street.

“You’re not actually headed to the Allianz Arena this weekend, you’re going to be sitting in your living room with the curtains drawn yelling at stick men on your laptop.”

Football Manager fan Julian Cooke said: “I’ll never forget the day I won the Europa League, there wasn’t a dry eye in the house until my girlfriend yanked out the power cord.

“That’s why I was a little put out when Gareth Bale turned me away from his birthday party last year, it was as if he didn’t remember the glorious two years we spent together at Real Madrid.”