Six occasions premature ejaculation can be a real time-saver

PREMATURE ejaculation can be an embarrassing biological reflex but there are times it can work in your favour, Roy Hobbs explains.

Shower sex

Sex in the shower can keep the spark in your relationship alive, but the cost of living crisis isn’t over yet and water and electricity aren’t cheap. When my wife joined me for an erotic wash, it was all I could do to get hard while picturing our next energy bill. Mercifully, my overly-sensitive genitals came to the rescue and we were towelling off in 30 seconds.


If you live in the city like me, decent dogging sites can take hours to drive to. This is a nightmare if you’re looking to squeeze in some exhibitionist fun on a work night, so count yourself lucky if the old boy gets carried away and blows its beans too soon. Even the onlookers will be grateful to call it a night relatively early.

Joining the mile-high club

Sex on a plane needs to happen quickly before other passengers and flight attendants get suspicious. This is not the time for epic tantric shags Sting would be proud of. You need to be in and out in less than a minute, which is impossible for all but the most delicate of cocks. If you have no self-restraint though, have at it.

Attending a Dutch brothel

Amsterdam truly is one of the world’s most beautiful cities. The less time spent in the red light district rocking a sex worker’s world, the more time you can spend at the Anne Frank museum. Or, more realistically, crashed out on your hotel bed after smoking a joint locals would describe as weak.

Morning sex

Back when my wife and I shared the same bed, we would sometimes start the day with some virile rutting. This reckless display of passion would cast our morning routines into disarray, with her missing the bus to work and me not having enough time to make a packed lunch. With every thrust I wished I had nutted in a timely manner.

Work wank

CEOs are always ranting on about worker efficiency, but they never pay premature ejaculators their dues. When three o’clock hits and I sneak off to the loos for a cheeky hand shandy, I’m back at my desk ready to dive into some spreadsheets 60 seconds later. Because I’m a professional.

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Free Palestine march is left-wing family's day out

A LEFT-WING family are off for a lovely day out at their local Free Palestine march.

The Cook family of Bristol have packed a lunch, including the children’s favourite hummus and carrot sticks, for the day out marching to call for a ceasefire and a two-state solution.

Jeanette Cook said: “We did want to travel to London, but it’s so difficult with Galen’s youth orchestra being on a Saturday morning. So much handier to have a march nearby.

“We’re putting on our North Face because wouldn’t you know it, it’s raining – probably caused by the globalist new world order – and we’ll be banging drums and singing that nice song about rivers and seas that’s all the rage these days.

“It’s promising to be a marvellous social occasion. The girls’ friends Poppy and Elver are coming, my yoga teacher’s said she’ll be there, and there are rumours of an acoustic Idles gig, so it’s not all politics politics politics!

“It should be a really delightful day. We don’t get enough of them. It’s been years since Black Lives Matter pulled that statue down while we practised our watercolours.”

Resident Steve Malley said: “Braverman was right. This crowd is really f**king offensive.”