Where the f**k is the toaster? A fun game for houseguests

STAYING at someone else’s house and trying to find the toaster? These are the places you will look as your sanity slowly unravels.

Under the kitchen counter

It would make sense to store the toaster beneath where all the food is prepared. Alongside all the other devices like the blender and the electric whisk. Maybe your host has got one of those massive four-slice toasters that would take up too much room if they left it out all the time. Apparently not, but where else could it possibly be?

By the bread bin

It doesn’t get more logical than this. Bread is put in toasters, so any sane person would position a toaster by a bread bin. Perhaps they’re so weirdly organised they store the toaster in the bread bin? Alas not. The tiresome journey continues.

In with the plates

It would be a bit weird, but you could sort of see the logic. Toasters do produce a lot of crumbs, so keeping it next to the plates isn’t an entirely bad idea. And having already rummaged through everywhere else, you only have three plate cupboards left to search through. After that you’re onto the washing machine.

On top of the fridge

Butter is always spread on toast, and butter is kept in the fridge. So by that masterful process of elimination, the toaster must, must be on top of the fridge. You can plainly see that it isn’t, but that won’t stop you from triple checking as your tears start to well up. You just want an easy snack.


Okay, think like an insane homeowner. If you were in their position, where would you keep the toaster? By the boiler? Wherever the f**k they store the iron? You could just ask them by text but this has become a matter of pride now. Plus they might suspect it was you who frantically ripped up the floorboards in case it was under there.

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Vernon Kay and other celebrities you're amazed are still allowed to be celebrities

FAME is a notoriously fickle mistress, so how come these faded glories are still technically classed as celebrities?

Vernon Kay

There’s nothing wrong with Vernon Kay. He seems like a lovely guy and he’s just done an ultra-marathon that’s raised £1.2million for Children in Need, so fair play to him. But how is he riding the wave of light entertainment presenter fame this far? Is a strategic genius hiding behind the good looks and a somewhat gormless charm? Must be.

Jamie Lynn Spears

‘Who?’ you said to yourself when you saw her name on this year’s I’m A Celeb lineup, before realising she’s Britney Spears’ sister. Is that how fame works now, are siblings allowed in on the fun by association? Or is it only the case if they have nothing going on in their own lives and need to piggyback on someone else’s success?

Noel Fielding

The Mighty Boosh star’s surreal non sequiturs were popular back in the mid Noughties, but that was two decades ago and even then Julian Barratt was the show’s superior talent. The only show that welcomes Noel Fielding now is Bake Off, where he joins gamely in with the fluffy, cuddly cake-based proceedings as if he was never once a bad boy of comedy. Even Prue Leith has more edge.

Denise Van Outen

She’s been a regular on Celebrity Gogglebox for so long that you’ve long since stopped questioning her fame status. But in those quiet, sleepless moments in the dead of night, you can’t silence the nagging thought that you have no idea who she is or what she does. Must be something to do with Loose Women, you conclude, before drifting off into blissful slumber.

Jamie Oliver

Surely by now the younger generation who grew up cruelly robbed of Turkey Twizzlers have come of age and could freeze Jamie Oliver out of his career? All he seems to do now anyway is churn out cookbooks for morons and fail to pay the staff at his restaurants. Even you could do that, yet you’re stuck in a dead end job looking at spreadsheets.