Six sentences you never imagined you'd say before you became a parent

EVER found yourself bellowing ‘Who filled this salt-shaker with Lego?’ and realised that being a parent has taken you to sentences you’d never have said otherwise? 

Your bum is not a pocket

Toddlers too horrified to wipe their own bottoms believe that the rest of humanity has foolishly overlooked their potential for on-the-go comfort, frequently wedging their hands there. With predictable consequences.

No, you can’t take the radish to bed

In an unfamiliar world, is it really surprising that a child would find a radish friendly? And, because it’s cute, that the child would be indulged and allowed to set the radish a place for dinner? And want to take it to bed, not realising that crosses the line, and throw a massive tantrum?

There is no such thing as ‘breakfast pudding’

Kids get a sweet treat after lunch and after dinner, so why not extend the logic? Except they’ve just had pancakes and honey for breakfast so put that f**king cookie down.

Stop chimneying up the bloody doorframe

To older children everything’s a climbing frame, and the first time they scale a doorway by bracing themselves on the sides you’ll probably be impressed. Less so when they’re unable to walk through a door without doing it again 12 times a day for six months.

Why is there glitter on the dog? 

It is not easy to get glitter out of a carpet. It is a great deal harder to get it out of a dog.

We do not lick the floor, the toilet, the baby or the postman

Children enjoy exploring their tactile environment, sometimes with their tongues. Children then also wake up at 3am covered in their own vomit. These things are related.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Over-80s get vaccinated, get shitfaced and hit moshpit

THE over-80s are celebrating receiving the Covid vaccine by going straight to a metal gig, drinking eight pints and hitting the moshpit. 

After the first vaccine was administered to a 91-year-old woman, she set off to a specially-arranged Enter Shikari concert at Coventry Empire to really lose herself in a mass of sweaty, thrashing pensioner flesh.

Margaret Gerving said: “Seeing my family, going to the shops, little things like days out to the seaside… but it’s the moshpit I’ve missed most.

“I’ve tried chugging two litres of White Lightning, putting Bullet For My Valentine on full blast and throwing myself around my sheltered flat on my own, but it’s not the same.

“So I can’t wait to get in there, mingle with all the other retirees while we sink a few pints of heavy, then go absolutely apeshit wild down the front when Anaesthetist comes on.

“There’s going to be walking frames thrown from the balcony, bifocals flying on the stage, I’ll be staggering out bloody and smiling with someone else’s dentures embedded in my leg.

“Then afterwards, me and Dora from flat 11b are going to get matching Fleshgod Apocalypse tattoos, sharing the same needle. Because we can, now there’s a vaccine.”