Skateboard not a mode of transport

ADULT skateboarders have been urged to stop pretending a plank on wheels can get them from A to B.

The Institute for Studies found that skateboards are effectively useless for even short trips to the shops, and that anyone pretending to undertake a journey on one is just showing off.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Skateboards are fine for stunts and general titting around, but they are not vehicles.

“Firstly, hills. There are lots of them in this country and they make travelling any distance on something that is gravity-based very difficult.

“Also pavements are full of pedestrians and roads are full of cars, both of which are hostile towards people standing on bits of wood.

“Travelling to work on one is a terrible idea unless you live at the top of a steep incline and your office is at the bottom.”

31-year-old web designer Julian Cook commutes on his skateboard: “Yes, I have to keep getting on and off it, but I get lots of attention.

“Mostly shouts of ‘wanker’ and ‘cock’ but hey, it’s better than being inconspicuous.

“The hardest part is trying not to look self-conscious while riding, even though I can’t stop thinking about how cool I am.”

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'The Abba Murders' to be pinnacle of Scandinavian pop culture

A BLEAK crime drama starring Abba will be the ultimate event in Scandinavian popular culture, it has been claimed.

The Abba Murders is to fill the Scandinavia-shaped gap in television schedules left by the end of Borgen.

Producer Lars Vilfort confirmed that the iconic band is on board: “We were warned that just getting them in the same room would be difficult, but as soon as we mentioned intricately patterned knitwear, they couldn’t sign up fast enough.

“The pilot episode is called Diggin’ the Dancing Queen, in which the corpse of a major royal is discovered by workmen.”

Francesca Johnson, a Scandinavian crime enthusiast, said: “If you listen hard, Abba’s music is rich in sinister ideas and a heightened sense of melancholy.”