Olympic Stadium to be filled with soup

LONDON’S Olympic Stadium should be filled with soup to nourish the entire nation, it has been claimed.

A report by a House of Lords committee said the stadium was not being used enough and the obvious solution was to turn it into a ‘national soup resource’.

The report stated: “If we keep it topped up then there would always be enough soup in the stadium to feed everyone in Britain at the same time.

“We would be the envy of the known world.”

The committee said the soup would be made in a huge new factory that would be built on an island in the Thames Estuary.

The factory would pump soup directly into the stadium via a nine foot-wide, 35 mile-long pipe that would require the demolition of no more than 15,000 homes.

The report added: “By using nuclear electricity the soup would travel along the pipe at around 200 miles an hour.

“That is a journey time of just six minutes.”

The committee said that each time a new batch of soup arrives in the stadium the national anthem should be played at a volume that will cause the entire structure to shake violently.

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A & E introduces leech tier

A & E departments are to offer a tier of conventional medical care and a tier of medieval leech treatment following a government shake-up.

Patients can choose between the two levels of care, which you don’t have to pay for yet but just wait until after the next election, under changes designed to reduce waiting times.

NHS director Joseph Turner said: “If you’re a busy working mum with a broken arm, would you rather wait hours to have it set in plaster or ten minutes to get it covered in therapeutic blood-draining leeches?

“Pneumonia, strokes, falling down the stairs drunk, there’s nothing you can’t treat by popping on a few leeches. It’s the medical treatment of kings.

“Kings who lived in the 18th century or earlier, but kings nonetheless.

“And don’t worry about kids being scared of these black segmented vampire worms. For nervous and junior patients, we’ve glued googly eyes on them.”