Small Men Devastated

MILLIONS of men just a shade under five foot nine were devastated last night as it emerged that not even the French presidency can help a short man hang on to Carla Bruni.

Paris is now awash with rumours that Bruni is having an affair with some pathetic singer whose only qualification for her affection is his consistent ability to be about five foot eleven, maybe six foot at a push.

Meanwhile Sarkozy is understood to be seeking comfort and blow jobs from a political colleague, who experts say may be relatively attractive, but is, compared to Carla Bruni, basically a man.

But despite assurances that it was nothing more than a case of French people being all French, small men took to the internet to brainstorm a range of new tactics.

Early suggestions include thicker seat cushions, extra hairgel and assassinating any man who can get something off the top of a wardrobe without using a chair.

Nathan Muir, a five foot eight plumber from Peterborough, said: "He's got the Elyseé Palace, an independent nuclear deterrent and a castle off the coast of Provence that makes Chequers look like an Anglian conservatory built by Welshmen.

"I've got a second hand Golf and this pair of thick-soled Timberlands. I'm going to have to resort to a combination of rohypnol and stilts."

The Bruni Catastrophe comes just a year after Formula One billionaire Bernie Ecclestone was unable to keep hold of his stunningly attractive, Amazon climbing frame of a wife.

Tom Logan, a five foot seven architect from Hatfield, said: "Money doesn't work. Power doesn't work. I suppose I could try being funny. What does Ronnie Corbett's wife look like? Oh dear, that's a shame."


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Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
My husband is a wonderful individual and we have enjoyed several relatively happy years together. The only problem is that he's a little conservative in his tastes and he would prefer to have sex in the missionary position with the curtains drawn than try out some of the things that I like doing, such as dressing up in preposterously lewd under-garments and thrashing each other with a leather cat o' nine tails. Or sniffing poppers and sticking vegetables into each others' naughty holes. I've tried to raise the issue with him but he just turns up the volume on Countdown and ignores me. What should I do?

Dear Denise,
I once had a hamster called Hammy who was going to be my bestest friend in the whole world until I realised he was a deeply flawed individual. He was obsessed with going round and round on his wheel for hours on end and whenever I managed to coax him out of his cage to play with me, all he did was sit there, doing nothing aside from depositing small poops all over my school jumper. My friend Jemima, on the other hand, had a pet puppy called Mika who was millions better than rubbish Hammy. Everyone used to love visiting Jemima and Mika and playing with them in the park after school, while I was stuck all alone watching Hammy sleeping or chewing on cardboard toilet rolls.
Naturally, after reaching the end of my tether with Hammy's self-centred behaviour, I decided that he and I should part ways, and I set him free in the garden so I could go and play with Jemima and Mika like all my other friends. When my mummy found Hammy the next day, he was dead, having been savagely mauled by a cat. My mummy said it would teach me a valuable lesson about coping with grief, when in fact the main thing I learned from the experience was that hamsters are rubbish.
I suppose what I am trying to say is that your husband sounds like more of a Hammy than a Mika, and the sooner you send him on his way, the sooner you can start to enjoy life.
Hope that helps!