Smug baby post followed by revolting arse-wiping

A WOMAN posted a self-satisfied Facebook status update about her baby and then had to clean up its liquid shit, it has emerged.

Donna Sheridan uploaded a pic of her six-month-old son Tyler with the caption ‘My special one’ seconds before a vile runny mess exploded out of his arse.

She admitted: “Despite my stream of vapid internet posts about the joy of motherhood, I’m secretly finding it a terrifying challenge which I feel totally unqualified for. It takes me 45 minutes to put my tights on because I’m constantly monitoring for potentially fatal hazards.

“Also the shitting, so much shitting. Tyler expels enough faeces that it’s like his entire body is full of it, like how a Creme Egg is full of fondant.

“Anyway, I over-compensate by projecting a flimsy public image of maternal bliss that has little substance.”

Sheridan subsequently posted a picture of Tyler captioned ‘My joy’ minutes before he puked directly into her left eye.

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Monster Munch put in UK inflation basket to shut kids up

A SIX-PACK of Monster Munch and two toffee fudge milkshakes have been added to the inflation basket to stop children whining. 

The Office of National Statistics, which compiles the basket as the basis for inflation rates, had said there would not be any treats because of bad behaviour but gave in somewhere around aisle 12.

A spokesman said: “When we’ve put coffee pods, a bottle of Bailey’s, a PlayStation game and an iPhone 6s in for ourselves, it seems tight not letting the kids have anything.

“We tried to explain that the basket was purely for the purposes of creating a statistical tool, but then they just had a meltdown by the crisps so we said fuck it.

“We lobbed in some Kinder Buenos too, not sure whether that might trigger another recession.”