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Spoiler alert: Mum's anecdote doesn't have an ending

IF you do not want to learn about the non-ending of your mum’s rambling anecdote, look away now.

After regaling you with details of next door’s bin collection fiasco and the marital status of a school friend you have not spoken to in 20 years, it can finally be confirmed that your mum’s directionless tale does not have a conclusion.

Critic Nathan Muir said: “Most stories have a beginning, middle and an end. But your mum takes an avant-garde approach by having a beginning, middle, pointless sidetrack, random question about your romantic life, then trails off for about two hours.

“That detail in the first act about her friend Shirley going to Yorkshire to visit her sister? It will never pay off. Your mum is either oblivious to the narrative principle of Chekov’s gun or doesn’t give a shit about it. Probably the latter.

“Rather than resolving every plot thread in a satisfying conclusion, your mum will waffle on until she needs to make dinner or go to the bathroom. Her story won’t even end on a dramatic cliffhanger like the second Spider-Verse film, it’ll just judder to a halt with the abruptness of a stalled car.

“There isn’t a secret post-chat scene either, so don’t bother hanging around and getting your hopes up. She ends on talking about how nice Princess Kate looks and that’s your lot.”

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Rioting, and other things the French are just better at

THE French love a good riot, we like a good moan. Sadly, despite us winning WW2 and a football match in 1966, France is just better at some stuff, whether it’s pastries or perfume.

Rioting

If Brits could be arsed to riot, we’d be chanting ‘What do we want?’ ‘Shitter public services and lower wages!’. When the French are angry, they’re properly angry, and they certainly know how to trash large buildings. Although in fairness they had lots of practice in 1789.

Pastries

Ask for ‘chocolate bread’ in the UK, and you’ll get Nutella on Hovis. In France ‘pain au chocolat’ is a delectable treat. Then you’ve got mille-feuilles, croissants, eclairs… the list goes on. What’s our response? A plain bun with white icing. Bloody frogs with their pretentious food that’s in some way appealing.

Fashion

There’s a reason Emily Blunt is so desperate to go to Paris in The Devil Wears Prada, and it isn’t the frogs’ legs. The French have ‘haute couture’, which already sounds better than ‘high sewing’. A British journey into high fashion means getting some new Adidas trackie bottoms from Sports Direct.

Using the letter Z

The French make good use of ‘z’, with ‘voulez-vous’, ‘parlez-vous’, and ‘rendezvous’, to name but a few words and phrases. In Britain we use it for ‘Z-list celebrities’. The French have a rich, poetic language, we’ve got Joey Essex.

Perfume adverts

These are all unspeakable toss, but the French do them better, and even Kate Moss reclining seductively on a silk sheet can’t outdo a husky French voiceover. In a French accent, ‘eau de toilette’ sounds sensuous and sultry. In an English accent, it sounds like ‘toilet water’, which is a different thing unless you’ve got some unpleasant grooming habits.

Electing politicians

In the past decade, France has twice rejected the far-right candidate in favour of a substantially less awful centrist. In England we can’t get enough right-wing nationalist conmen whose only policies are ‘Britain’s full mate’ and some corruption. That’s not to say Macron’s doing a great job – the section entitled ‘Rioting’ is a bit of a clue to that.

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