Stag dos increasingly run by the biggest tosser you’ll ever meet

EXPENSIVE, lengthy stag trips are usually organised by some total prick who won’t leave you alone for five minutes, according to new research.

The Institute for Studies found that, in any given social circle, custodianship of the stag trip will almost always fall to an arse that no one else has met before, but who was apparently ‘mental’ at university. They will be called ‘Duncs’, ‘Mikey’ or ‘Shamrock’.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “These people work in management somewhere like Carphone Warehouse, and are the personification of FHM magazine.

“The groom will never, ever have mentioned them before announcing the wedding. God knows where these people come from. Maybe there’s a secret prick factory hidden somewhere in the East Midlands.”

He added: “You usually receive the first of several hundred emails about six months before any planned trip. It will be headed something like ‘Ola Compadres’ and outline the many expensive, high-testosterone compulsory activities planned, including something called ‘skelfing’ that involves jumping naked into a volcano with a bit of bailer twine around your ankle.

“The whole thing will be organised with militaristic precision, cost as much as a small house and if you exhibit anything less than rabid enthusiasm you will be branded a ‘whingeing gaylord’.

“And, of course, you will have to wear a t-shirt with ‘Captain Fanny’s Vagina Hunters’ printed on it.”

Professor Brubaker stressed that stag events have not always been such an unconscionable pain in the arse, adding: “Until 1996 all you needed was a function room and a few bags of McCoys.

“The whole thing was over and done with in about six hours and at no point did anyone have to get on a fucking jet ski.”