Naomi Campbell's Eyelash Conditioning Appointment Delayed By War Crimes Trial

NAOMI Campbell has revealed how her appearance at some silly war crimes trial had forced her to delay a vital eyelash conditioning appointment.

Appearing at the trial of blood-soaked Liberian warlord and friend to the stars Charles Taylor, Ms Campbell admitted she was a reluctant witness and asked who she should sue if her eyelash re-ioniser was forced to do a rushed job.

She said: “They’ve gone all skrunky and if I don’t get some new ions into them right now, then I may as well ask Jean Pierre to cut my head off.”

The 40 year-old supermodel then charged suddenly across the courtroom and began beating the stenographer with a sock full of coins, while shouting ‘why are you writing that down, you fucking bitch?’.

Back in the witness box, Ms Campbell confirmed she had attended a gala dinner in 1997 with Taylor, Nelson Mandela, Mia Farrow and Fern Britton in support of something to do with schools. Or possibly pools. Or possibly scales.

She added: “Shortly after I had returned to my hotel room, there was a knock at the door and a man handed me a pouch containing some dirty little stones. I removed them, threw them as hard as I could at my maid and went to bed.

“The next morning, as I was picking them out of her forehead, I noticed they were still dirty. So I kicked her in the stomach and told her to clean them up, chop-chop.

“It was only then that I realised they were diamonds. I’m really sorry if some people got hurt when they were picking them from the diamond trees.

“They should give them better quality ladders.”

 

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Clones Enter Cowell Food Chain

FREAK wrangler Simon Cowell may have eaten meat from one of his clones, it emerged last night.

Cowell has been breeding the animals for five years to sing bad cover versions and titilate gay teenage boys, but sources say the impressario now wants to exploit their potential as food.

A source said: “He always envisioned that one day people would be able to eat them, but Simon would never market a product that he would not use himself.

“So last month he invited a few friends round and they barbecued one of the Olly Murs. They all said it was delicious.”

Cowell’s lab creates clones by swabbing beads of sweat from Jason Donovan’s glistening cleft and using the DNA to create a foetus which then gestates in a female hyena.

The source added: “An Olly Murs or a Joe McElderry will be great for a dinner party or a Sunday afternoon roast, you can cook a JLS at the beginning of the week and use it for sandwiches and salads, and an Eoghan Quigg should be okay for your dog.”

The Food Standards Agency confirmed it had received a licence application from Cowell’s company SyCo which included the comment, ‘is not known to cause diarrhoea’.

An FSA spokesman said: “That means that someone has eaten some of the meat, because obviousy seeing or listening to an X Factor contestant does cause diarrhoea. Tidal waves of it.

“While the evidence does not suggest any harm from eating an X Factor contestant, we would ask Mr Cowell to just put ‘from a clone’ on the packet, if that’s not too much fucking trouble.”

Business analysts said that giving the clones an additional, food-based function is classic Cowell innovation.

Martin Bishop, from Donnelly-McPartlin, added: “You can buy an Olly Murs and take it home and when you grow tired of his new reggae single – the one that makes Mick Hucknall sound blacker than Peter Tosh – you can make him into a great big sausage.”