THE Chinese government has warned the people of Liverpool that it will not tolerate the theft of its property once it buys the local football club.
Under the takeover deal Anfield and the surrounding five square miles will become Chinese sovereign territory and subject to the rule of Beijing’s iron fist.
A Chinese government spokesman said: “Your proud football production plant will become an ornament of our republic.
“We will increase efficiency through tightly controlled rations and a programme of incentives including not being beaten with a length of bamboo or thrown into a snake pit.
“And our new comrades would do well to remember that while all property is theft, the theft of property will result in you being shot in the back of the head and your family being sent a bill for the bullet.”
The spokesman added: “We feel confident that the most effective football playing units will show solidarity with the new regime. Also Mr Gerrard and Mr Torres will find it difficult to move to another club when their ankes are chained to a broken lavatory in a tiny concrete room.”
Meanwhile Stephen Gerrard’s wife Alex has already invested in a range of
high-necked dresses and chopsticks for her hair and hopes to win favour
with her ruthless new masters with a delicate rendition of the Flower Drum Song.
But experts said that while many Liverpudlians would regard summary execution as ‘harsh’, in general the takeover would have little practical effect on a city that is used to being run by demented communists.
Dr Tom Logan, from one of those Liverpool universities, said: “Being run by the Chinese could be the best thing that has ever happened to this city. Liverpool could become the new Hong Kong, but without any businesses or people with jobs.”