Starkey sick of hearing Jamaican patois at the Ivy

HISTORIAN David Starkey has written to a top London restaurant about its constant use of nihilistic Jamaican patois.

Henry VIII would have hated Funkmaster Flex

Dr Starkey says that every time he goes to the Ivy in London’s fashionable West End, the white maitre d’ greets him with a loud ‘wha gwan Star-kee?’ and then attempts to shake his hand in an unusual way.

He added: “The waiters call me ‘rude bwoy’ and ‘Doctah D’ and the menu is all spicy bananas and jerked meat.

“I am then surrounded by fellow diners all speaking a particularly aggressive and destructive form of Jamaican gangsta street lingo while I and my lunch companion attempt to discuss the consistency of Henry VIII’s mid-morning stool.

“This is why so many of us have this sense of, literally, a foreign country.”

Dr Starkey’s outburst follows his claim the riots started because young white people had become black ‘thus making it very difficult for the police to see them at night’.

He also claimed young people, who are all exactly the same now, stole televisions because of the way they talked.

But as riot-loving communists said that Alf Garnett with a PhD and a contract with Channel Four is still a racist, Dr Starkey was defended heroically by a couple of right wing white men causing everyone in Britain to immediately realise they had made a big fuss over nothing.

Julian Cook, professor of shut up, you’re wrong at Delingpole University, said: “When did it become racist to make sweeping generalisations about ethnicity?”

Publishing his letter to the Ivy, Dr Starkey said the Oxford and Cambridge Club was just as bad, ‘especially after they granted full membership rights to bitches’.