Stella-guzzling arsehole has strong moral stance against drugs

A MAN who regularly gets into fights while drunk would never get involved with dangerous drugs like cannabis, he has announced.

Scaffolding contractor Julian Cook regards drugs as a scourge on society, unlike his favourite recreational activity of getting blackout drunk and hitting people.

Cook said: “I feel sorry for people who need to take drugs instead of just going out and having 10 to 15 pints of strong lager. There must be something seriously missing from their lives.

“I’ve seen what drugs do to people, making them sit around laughing or deciding to dance a lot. They’re just in no fit state to twat someone if they look at you funny in a kebab shop.

“I’d never take drugs because I don’t like being out of control, although admittedly last weekend I woke up in a police cell and had somehow lost my shoes.”

Acquaintance Martin Bishop said: “Julian is a menace to bouncers, cab drivers and chip shop owners, but because he doesn’t take drugs he thinks he’s Jesus.

“The thick bastard actually believes if you have a spliff you’ll hallucinate a giant orange coming to eat you.”

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UK's first non-weird driving instructor discovered

A NON-WEIRD driving instructor  has been discovered in the UK.

Excited experts have released details of their find, known as Wayne Hayes, who appears to be a well-adjusted human who just teaches people to drive.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Hayes is neither an oddball or an outright creep, which marks a fascinating evolution in the species.

“We have observed some striking deviations from driving instructor norms. For example, he doesn’t make inappropriate comments to young women about gear sticks or offer porn recommendations to his male students.”

Other unusual characteristics include a lack of anguished back story about how he could have been in the RAF if it was not for his gammy leg, and a total absence of trying to blame his farts on the car’s catalytic converter.

Remarkably, Hayes claims that he took the job because he enjoys teaching people how to drive, rather than relishing the idea of barking orders at petrified teenagers in an enclosed space.

However scientists believe stress-eating Pear Drops all day could quickly erode Haye’s mental  and physical health, turning him into a typical driving instructor within weeks.