‘Straight Pride’ parade organiser gives up after realising all parades are a bit camp

THE man behind a ‘Straight Pride’ parade has conceded that any succession of floats, marching bands and costumed adults is going to look camp.

Martin Bishop, a 38 year-old white, heterosexual male, wanted to show his pride in who he is, despite the overwhelming prejudice he has faced in life.

He said: “First I figured army men would look really heterosexual, but then I started thinking about YMCA.

“Then I envisioned a line of marching footballers, but you’d be surprised how camp a line of men in shorts looks when they’re doing anything other than sport.

“Choosing music was a nightmare. I wanted to go with Whitesnake, but it turns out they’re from the 80s, which is basically camp on a stick.

“Eventually all I was left with Chuck Norris walking down a high-street by himself, holding up an A3 photograph of Brian Clough. That’s not really a parade.”

Bishop is now planning ‘Straight Pride Glass-Fight In a Pub’ but stressed it would just be for ‘tough, muscly guys’.

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Prince George celebrates second birthday at local soft play centre

BRITAIN’S future king has celebrated turning two with a party at a soft play centre in Fring.

Prince George’s party at his grandmother’s house nearby was cancelled because she did not want sticky little hands all over her collection of Christmas cards from dictators.

Instead the heir and pals will visit Chimpy Funsters nearby, where they will enjoy two hours’ access to the play equipment, a meal, a party bag and a visit from Chimpy himself.

Prince George is expected to enjoy diving for soiled sweets in the ball pool, being shoved over by older children with extensive temporary tattoos, and watching the teenage staff clean the big slide after a defecation incident.

Nanny Eleanor Shaw said: “They don’t really have friends at that age, so we’ve just invited Princess Ariane of the Netherlands, Prince Sultan of Saudi Arabia, Princess Amalia Gabriela Maria Theresa of Luxembourg, the usual crowd.

“They do a lunch, chicken dippers with a big pile of Wotsits as a starter, washed down with a blue slushie then an eight-tier birthday cake by Royal bakers Fisher & Donaldson. With minions on.

“Then a tattooed goth lad with sixteen piercings comes out in a monkey outfit last washed in 2012 with cigarette burns on the feet.”

The party will be eclipsed by the celebration of Prince Giorgi Bagration-Bagrationi of Georgia’s fourth birthday in September, which will be Ben 10-themed and held in a local community hall.