Student to get valuable life experience from moving to purpose-built luxury apartment

AN affluent degree student is nervously excited about moving from the parental home to a deluxe apartment with every possible amenity.

18-year-old Mary Fisher, whose parents have shitloads of money, is taking the big step of moving from her parents’ five-bedroom farmhome into her own flat in the brand new Urban:Vibe student apartment complex.

Bradford said: “I’ve had the best possible start in life but now shit is about to get real. From the look of the deliberately exposed brickwork in the foyer, this is a pretty edgy fully-equipped living complex.

“At home I had my own bathroom and walk-in wardrobe, whereas here I still have those things but they are considerably smaller.”

She added: “As I explore this strange new city, I’m looking forward to meeting the locals when they serve me in American Apparel and various themed cocktail bars.

“Also it’ll be good to broaden my mind by meeting others students from somewhat less privileged backgrounds. For example, I’m told one of the other tenants here is from Wales.

“They’re on another floor though so it’s okay.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Rabid fox gets warmer reception than migrants

A FOX with rabies has been described as ‘plucky’ after running through the Eurotunnel while the authorities were focused on migrants.

Rabid fox Tom Logan seized the opportunity to slip under the fence in Calais while officials were chasing off desperate humans.

Logan said: “I’ve always wanted to see England, and what with my ever-worsening rabies I figured now was probably the time to do it.

“I thought the humans would freak out because I am have got quite a rabid look about me, but it seems that they can only be scared of one thing at a time and now is not my time.”

Dover-based bigot Roy Hobbs said: “What a great display of animal grit and daring from that fox with rabies. He’s lucky those migrants in that camp didn’t try to eat him, that’s exactly the sort of thing they get up to.

“I tried to give him a saucer of milk but he just sort of snarled at me in a mental way.

“The poor thing must be hungry. I’m going to adopt him if I can get close enough.”

Logan said: “Got to bite everyone, got to bite everyone.

“Sorry, I have these moody rabies moments.”