Supermarkets are food banks 'if you have agile fingers'

POCKETING things at the supermarket is like going to a really good food bank, it has been claimed.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “The government isn’t going to do anything about food poverty, but then why should it when Britons can just wear a big coat to Tesco? Or Waitrose if you are more aspirational.

“Those places are massive and literally packed to the rafters with delicious food. You just need nifty fingers, loose-fitting garments and a bold attitude.”

Mother-of-two Mary Fisher said: “Going to a food bank is ok if you like out-of-date Heinz soup. But the old five-finger-discount from the supermarket is much better.

“Right now I’ve got a lobster up my jumper. I told the security guard it was my left breast and he backed away.”

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Kids demanding Frozen toys told to let it go

CHILDREN demanding Frozen merchandise for Christmas have been referred to the lyrics of the song they never stop singing.

Mother-of-two Emma Bradford said: “My eldest desperately wants a Snow Glow Queen Elsa doll, but aside from being surprisingly expensive those fuckers are like hen’s teeth.

“I told her to turn her back and slam the door, let it go because she’s getting a bag of satsumas instead. She was visibly upset but I was like, don’t you ever pay attention to the moral message of Disney cartoons?”

Father Roy Hobbs said: “I hate Frozen with every fibre of my being, but not as much as I hate going to soulless out-of-town toy supermarkets that smell of plastic and saliva.

“My daughter wants an Anna doll but she can’t have one because the wind is howling like this swirling storm inside. Heaven knows I tried.”

Eight-year-old Mary Fisher said: “I think the song is about not letting your old desires hold you back. But that does not apply to shiny new dolls.

“Get me them, or it will affect my development so that I become weird and menacing.”