Take the jobseekers’ psychometric test

UNEMPLOYED? The Department for Work and Pensions’ psychometric test uses advanced science to work out why you’ve utterly failed as a human.

Try it, for fun and also because if you don’t all your money will be stopped forever and you will die.

The DWP Psychometric Test for Jobseekers

Which of these statements best describes you?

A. Diligent, honest, reliable.
B. A feckless cider-swilling parasite suckling at the rancid teat of the bloated welfare state.

Which of these sets of random words do you find most appealing?

A. Love. Friendship. Family. Happiness.
B. Commission. Only. Telephone. Sales.

What do you find more sexually arousing?

A. Imagining having sex with attractive Hollywood actors like Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie.
B. Stacking cardboard boxes.

At a party, are you:

A. Outgoing and always the centre of attention.
B. I do not go to parties because I do not deserve to have fun.

Which challenges do you look for in a job?

A. Solving problems in a creative way as part of a team.
B. Quickly cutting off your trapped hair before the machine pulls your head in.

You are walking in the desert when you see a tortoise stuck on its back. What do you do?

A. Help the tortoise by flipping it over.
B. Help the tortoise by signing it up for a great job-hunting course run by a training company that really cares.

Do you find it easy to connect with others on an emotional level?

A. Yes. I am good at sensing what other people are feeling.
B. Emotions are for the weak.

Which of these statements best describes Iain Duncan Smith?

A. A vindictive mediocrity who can only get hard by taking things away from people.
B. A wise, charismatic leader whose baldness in no way reduces his sexual charisma.

How did you do?

Mostly As – Your are a happy, creative person with a positive can-do attitude to work – especially work in windowless warehouses where the air smells of hot chemicals and you get shouted at a lot.

Mostly Bs – As above.

Equal amounts of As and Bs – As above.