Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Your drinking problem is brought into sharp focus this week when the local off licence offers you £5k not to move house.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Next week you fail to popularise your conspiracy theory that Justin Bieber’s erratic behaviour is due to him being switched with his monkey.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
That bloke in the pub might not be an expert on trivia after he claims that ‘granola’ was the 1950s practice of music companies paying people to be their nan.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
A repressed memory resurfaces Monday – your mum told you that Fox’s Glacier Mints are made from compacted litter.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
London Transport are becoming less friendly as their ticket machines follow their on-screen message “Next time, why not top-up online?” with “For fuck’s sake”.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
No word from the Question Time producers after you tell them you’ve invented a political party this morning and you’re available to do any show in May if Nigel Farage isn’t available.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Your date is unimpressed when you ask the waiter in the Greek restaurant what the ‘Mouss’ was ‘also known as’.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
This week, the woman Bruno Mars wrote that song to where he says “I should’ve brought you flowers” responds by saying “I’d have settled for you keeping your cock out of my sister”.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
A good sense of humour has always been your most important quality in a boyfriend and your new man has the funniest 2lb cock you’ve ever seen.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Unimpressed by Two Girls, One Cup and Lemon Party, you test your mental endurance by loading Ben Elton’s The Wright Way onto the iPlayer.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Put your hands in the air and wave them like you just don’t care. Now give me everything out of the till or I’ll blow your fucking face off.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Ed Balls. HAHAHA, I SAID ED BALLS. Classic.

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UKIP membership drive to include free golliwog

THE UK Independence Party has launched a membership drive offering a traditional British golliwog to anyone who joins by the end of May.

The ‘welcome pack’ also includes a multi-region DVD player or a ‘Parker-style’ pen.

UKIP leader Nigel Farage said: “The golliwog reminds us what we are fighting for. Plus, it’s very cheerful.

“Show everyone how mainstream your opinions are by strapping it to the bonnet of your car or nailing it to your front door.”

New member Martin Bishop, from Stevenage, said: “It shows that UKIP is a modern party that’s actually very relaxed about the issue of race.

“I’m going to post mine to Zimbabwe with £500 of relocation money.”

Meanwhile, Farage is this week campaigning in the local elections alongside a party volunteer in a full-size golliwog costume.

UKIP has set up stalls in high streets and shopping centres across southern England where members of the public can have their photo taken with Farage and his ‘mascot’.

The party leader also tours housing estates where he waits for voters to answer the door before pointing at the golliwog and shouting: “How can anyone find this offensive?”