BRITAIN’S middle classes are threatening all-out passive-aggression if the government raises tax on all the nice things they like.
Mixed cases of New World white, novels abut Afghanistan and that fancy European bread with the bits in it are among a wide range of consumer goods facing price hikes under plans to slash the budget deficit using middle class self-satisfaction.
Meanwhile ministers also want to send a message to the skilled working and aspirational lower-middle classes with new levies on timber decking, weekend carveries at slightly upmarket chain pubs and the Mail on Sunday.
Martin Bishop, an NHS administrator from Hatfield, said: “All the people I’ve spoken to at work, particularly those like me on grade 5D or above, are really fed up at the prospect of having to shop in Morrisons. So – get this – we’re planning to start taking our full, one hour lunch breaks.
“Up until now most of us would only have taken 45 minutes to grab a sandwich and look at Facebook, or maybe order a nice rug from John Lewis.
“And of course the beauty of it is our line manager can’t even say anything, because it’s our legal right. Fuck The Man!”
He added: “I should clarify that when I say ‘fuck’ I mean figuratively, as opposed to performing a non-consenting sexually aggressive act, which I would never condone.”
Occupational therapist Nikki Hollis said: “I’ve decided to start drinking unfiltered tap water thereby increasing the risk to my health because of all the nitrates. In many ways I’m exactly the same as a suicide bomber.
“But when the government sticks an extra 2.5% on a Zucchine Funghi from Pizza Express you have to be willing to put yourself in harm’s way.”
She added: “I’ve also posted a snarky message on the Guardian website referring to the Tories as ‘toffee-faced’ and ‘a bit stuck-up’. Admittedly I had meant to write ‘toffee-nosed’ but once it’s up you can’t change it.
“I suppose this means I’m an anarchist now.”