Tax Hit Middle Class Threatens Widespread Passive-Aggression

BRITAIN’S middle classes are threatening all-out passive-aggression if the government raises tax on all the nice things they like.

Mixed cases of New World white, novels abut Afghanistan and that fancy European bread with the bits in it are among a wide range of consumer goods facing price hikes under plans to slash the budget deficit using middle class self-satisfaction.

Meanwhile ministers also want to send a message to the skilled working and aspirational lower-middle classes with new levies on timber decking, weekend carveries at slightly upmarket chain pubs and the Mail on Sunday.

Martin Bishop, an NHS administrator from Hatfield, said: “All the people I’ve spoken to at work, particularly those like me on grade 5D or above, are really fed up at the prospect of having to shop in Morrisons. So – get this – we’re planning to start taking our full, one hour lunch breaks.

“Up until now most of us would only have taken 45 minutes to grab a sandwich and look at Facebook, or maybe order a nice rug from John Lewis.

“And of course the beauty of it is our line manager can’t even say anything, because it’s our legal right. Fuck The Man!

He added: “I should clarify that when I say ‘fuck’ I mean figuratively, as opposed to performing a non-consenting sexually aggressive act, which I would never condone.”

Occupational therapist Nikki Hollis said: “I’ve decided to start drinking unfiltered tap water thereby increasing the risk to my health because of all the nitrates. In many ways I’m exactly the same as a suicide bomber.

“But when the government sticks an extra 2.5% on a Zucchine Funghi from Pizza Express you have to be willing to put yourself in harm’s way.”

She added: “I’ve also posted a snarky message on the Guardian website referring to the Tories as ‘toffee-faced’ and ‘a bit stuck-up’. Admittedly I had meant to write ‘toffee-nosed’ but once it’s up you can’t change it.

“I suppose this means I’m an anarchist now.”


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Man Loses Job For Saying Russians Are Corrupt

A MAN lost his job last night for claiming that Russians love bribing people.

David Triesman was forced to resign as chairman of the Football Association and England’s 2018 World Cup bid for saying something that experts have officially recognised as a fully qualified  replacement for the Pope-Catholic/Bear-Having-a-Shit paradigm.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies, said: “Given the ongoing destruction of bear habitats and the fact that the Pope is mentally incompetent, we now believe that ‘Do Russians Like Bribery?’ is – in terms of statistical probability – a far more robust proposition.”

He added: “In fact, during that last sentence I received a text message from my opposite number at the Institutski for Studskies offering me £250,000 to shut my face.”

A spokesman for the Russian Football Association said: “I would be to giving you a statement, but most unfortunately I find myself facing some shortness this month in terms of the cash money.

“If we could please be finding your way to handing me nice plastic shopping bag filled with 50,000 dollars American. Also, my wife will be very much requiring to need a ticket to see Mr Michael Bublé at The Royal Albert’s Hall, while my daughter is keen to be enjoying from you a pair of the most groovy blue jeans.”

There are growing fears the Triesman outburst could scupper England’s World Cup bid, while experts warned that the Russians would now be forced to double the size of their bribes.

But a senior Fifa insider stressed: “If I was English I’d worry a bit less about some puffed up little bureaucrat trying to impress his latest hump and a bit more about the fact that your country is still full of morons who love to get pissed and knock the shit out of foreigners.”

Tom Logan, football corruption analyst at Donnelly-McPartlin, said: “The key mistake Lord Triesman made was accusing the Spaniards of bribery. What he should have said was, ‘the Russians are bribing the referees while the Spaniards are going to stick half a dozen little spears into their backs before thrusting a sword between their shoulder blades in front of a crowd of baying savages who take three days to bring you a cup of coffee when they’re not trying to fuck your wife.

“That would have been absolutely fine.”