THOUSANDS of farmers are using Facebook to play a game where they pretend to work in an office and spend all day doing nothing and talking out of their arse.
OpenplanofficeVille is the latest virtual reality craze, with many farmers claiming it helps them introduce their children to a world they would never normally encounter unless they all went for a relatively short drive in the car.
After opening their ‘office’ the player creates a customizable ‘avatar’ and then uses ‘office coins’ to buy pens, post-it notes, staplers and some nice chocolate biscuits on a Friday afternoon.
There are six groups of desks where the player is able to plant a variety of unproductive tasks, mind-buggeringly inane conversation topics and stray pieces of idle, vicious gossip about colleagues who are already teetering on the brink of mental collapse.
Stephen Malley, who farms 300 acres of arable and a small organic dairy herd near Peterborough said: “Groups 1 and 2 are mainly stupid bitches who go on and on and on about any shit that crosses their minds. There’s also a gayboy in there. I’m giving them irritable bowel syndrome one by one.
“Groups 3 and 4 are mostly men who, in between short bursts of pointlessly competitive actual work, talk about footballers and whether they are good at football or not. During the summer they talk about cricketers. I’m giving them testicular cancer one by one.
“Group 5 is some more stupid bitches who spend all day sending each other those emails where you have to make a wish and then send it on to the next person or something either will or will not happen. I’m going to fatten them up with Friday biscuits and then harvest their organs.
“And Group 6 is where the virtual me sits quietly, surrounded by people I want to kill while playing a game on Facebook where I pretend to be a farmer.”
He added: “I’ve got 1.5m experience points and 850,000 coins which I am going to use to set-up airless, windowless open plan offices in every major city in the world, filled with vacant bitches, tedious bastards and dark, silent, homicidal versions of myself.”
He added: “My only worry is that because I am actually a farmer I’ll eventually try to cut costs by making them eat each other and it will cause some awful disease that will wipe out the entire population of my virtual word.
“But at least I’ll have all that pretend money.”