OH shit, there’s a fucking bee in here, it was confirmed last night.
The presence of a bee emerged shortly after the volume was turned down amid complaints of a faint buzzing sound coming from somewhere.
Moments later the potentially lethal intruder was spotted bumping its head gently against the living room window before retreating, performing a tight loop and then starting all over again.
But as beeologists stressed it was just a bumble bee, which is actually rather cute and furry and essential to the production of food, everyone told them to shut the fuck up or get the hell out of the way.
Tom Logan, a part time anti-bee activist, said: “Nobody move a muscle while I use this fish slice to coax it towards the window.
“Gently… gently… gently. Oh sweet fucking Jesus, I’ve lost it. Where’s it gone. WHERE HAS IT GONE?”
Mr Logan then fled to the kitchen, re-emerging 20 minutes later with an even bigger fish slice, a garlic press and wet towel draped over his head.
Meanwhile Helen Archer, a potential bee victim, insisted: “It’s okay… it’s okay. Bees only attack you if you attack them. Or is it the other way round? Oh my God, I can’t remember.”
She added: “KIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILL IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Like their relatives the honey bees, bumblebees feed on nectar and gather pollen to feed their young. They do not have ears.”
But Anne Logan, a part-time assistant anti-bee activist, said: “Fuck that shit. I’m probably allergic to bees according to an article I saw in Woman’s Head.”
As Mrs Logan went on-line to search for bomb-making instructions, Mr Logan screamed ‘ALL IS LOST’ before dowsing himself in petrol, setting himself alight and hurling his flaming body at the bee which slipped quietly out of the window and had a quick look round before settling on a lovely daffodil.