BROADCASTERS have been flooded by complaints from viewers unable to stop imagining Delia Smith and Heston Blumenthal going at it.
The ubiquitous Waitrose adverts, hinting at some form of depraved union between the two cooks, have triggered horrific images in the brains of millions of innocent consumers who had been minding their own business.
Father-of-two Tom Logan said: “A sexually-repressed social misfit plus an intimidatingly assertive culinary villainess equals awful things that I can’t stop thinking about.
“The dark dreams come to me every night. I see Blumenthal smearing Delia in a semi-gaseous conceptual froth made from quails’ breath and robot tears.
“In my dream it’s the first time he’s seen a woman naked, he’s completely out of his depth and visibly horrified by her genitalia.
“I imagine Heston to have a long, chrome-plated member studded with LEDs, like some futuristic meat thermometer. Delia mocks it.”
He added: “These visions are now burned onto the retina of my mind’s eye and I shall be seeking compensation in the form of John Lewis vouchers.”
Keen amateur chef and television owner Nikki Hollis said: “I can’t help thinking it’d be like a shaven-headed version of Beaker from the Muppets rutting angrily with the female personification of chicken in a basket.”
A Waitrose spokesman said: “Heston and Delia are the Mulder and Scully of contemporary aspirational cuisine and their love will remain unconsummated for as long as you, the public, continue to purchase our tasty but expensive products.
“Unless of course you actually want them fucking on your telly? Thought not.”