Morecambe And Wise To Make Everything More Expensive

BRITAIN’S favourite entertainers are to make everything you buy much more expensive before deciding whether to let you keep your house.

The prime minister and his deputy charmed reporters in the Downing Street rose garden yesterday by opening with a haphazard musical number using a variety of everyday items that will soon be subject to VAT at 20%.

The Tory leader then told the historic press conference that he had just bought his wife a lovely Grecian urn.

The Lib Dem leader immediately asked: “What’s a Grecian urn?” to which the prime minister replied: “A hell of a lot more than a teaching assistant by the time we’re finished. I thank you.”

The deputy PM then tried to persuade Glenda Jackson to appear in his latest play about a bank that relocates to Hong Kong, while the prime minister got into a vicious fist-fight with André Previn after telling the pianist that his capital gains tax was going up to 50%.

Meanwhile Britain’s funniest ever cabinet will meet for the first time today as Lib Dem and Tory ministers bid to make each other laugh with their chucklesome, knockabout policy programmes.

Work and pensions secretary Iain Duncan Smith will set out a series of terrifying practical jokes he wants to play on single mothers, while Lib Dem Chris Huhne said everyone would be tickled by his plan to outlaw aeroplanes and make cars run on raw sewage.

New home secretary Theresa May was forced to stifle her giggles as she pledged to overhaul the DNA database by filling it with millions of innocent homosexuals, while the CBI sniggered quietly as it insisted the expectations on business secretary Vince Cable are nowhere near as high as he thinks they are.

And the Foreign Office stressed it was not joking when it confirmed that William Hague will always have an official with him when he meets overseas dignitaries so they don’t think that everyone in Britain is like that.

But as the nation tittered its way through the first coalition press conference, thousands of grassroots Lib Dem activists were this morning still sitting in front of their television sets gaping in abject horror.

Anne Hobbs, whose husband Roy is secretary of the South Lincolnshire Liberal Democrat Association, said: “His bottom jaw just kept sinking lower and lower and then he let out this pathetic little squeak and dropped his cup of tea.

“He’s got some very limited movement back in his left arm, but he is basically catatonic. I’m going to have to sellotape some gauze over his mouth otherwise he’ll end up choking on a wasp.”


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Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Should an action be judged on its moral intent or on its benefit to society? And can either method be used to justify you repeatedly having sex with your neighbour’s dog?

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Who says you’re too fat to be an astronaut? Just ignore them. Space needs fat people too.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
This week you and your platoon are ordered to find an army private whose three brothers have been killed in action and bring him back safely before his mother faints again. Tragically the mission will claim you and half your men, but as you lie there, shot in the stomach, your life ebbing away, you implore the private to ‘earn this’. Which makes it all the more galling when he turns out to be a bit of a prick.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You never close your eyes any more when I kiss your lips. However, you
have stopped making that horrible retching noise at the back of your
throat. So we’re definitely getting somewhere.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Still no word from Blue Peter about your application to be a
presenter. Give them a call to make sure they got your pornographic
collage made out of washing up liquid bottles.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Your yoga instructor finishes your advanced course by saying you have mastered all the arts they can teach. In your fucking FACE, Zen contentment.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
This week you get the feeling that Alistair Campbell is trying to tell
you what you think. Kick his head in.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Romance isn’t measured by expensive trinkets or grand gestures; it’s the little acts of affection every day that count. But let’s not try to run before we can walk, so how about just washing your undercarriage occasionally?

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You’ve been run off your feet at work recently, what with covering your back, besmirching other colleagues and shredding the evidence of your incompetence. You deserve a break.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Thursday will see you slowly process the information that one in 20 people who voted in the election chose either the BNP or UKIP, meaning that on the bus on your way to work, statistically speaking at least two people will be mouth-breathing racist fucknuts. Well, three including you, obviously.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
This week you sneakily try to add your first initial to the acronym PIGS
in the hope of a multi-billion pound bail out from the IMF. You never know.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Your neighbourhood is filled with foreigners who can’t speak a word of English, eat disgustingly smelly food and walk around like they own the place. Provence is fucking shit.