Tea & coffee-making facilities: the bullshit names hotels give normal things

HOTELS give simple things complicated names to justify ripping you off. Here are the most pretentious culprits:


Nothing about the name ‘mini-bar’ lives up to its name. Instead of a scale model of a bar, complete with a little bartender who pours you tiny pints and listens to your woes as he cleans a minuscule glass, it’s a fridge with a glass door. And the only things inside are Snickers that cost a fiver.

Tea & coffee making facilities

What the hotel meant to say is: ‘there’s a mini kettle on a tray with some dusty cups and UHT milk pots. Have at it.’ Instead you got your hopes up that there would be an industrial-sized coffee machine and a trained barista on hand to serve you cappuccinos, even though you’re only paying £29 per night.

Turndown service

While this sounds glamorous, in reality you’re getting the hotel to send a minimum wage employee to your room to make your bed. On top of completing a task which you should have been taught to do as a child, said worker will also pick your soiled underwear off the floor and fold your towels into a rudimentary swan. They deserve to be called heroes.

Leisure centre

A phrase that makes it sound as if the hotel comes complete with an entire water park, bowling alley, and Go Kart track. All the owners have done is fill a basement with treadmills and dumbbells bought second-hand from a nearby prison. They’d have bought the pool too but forensics still need it as evidence.

‘Do not disturb’ signs

‘Piss off’ would be more to-the-point. If they were completely truthful they’d read: ‘There’s a businessman from Nantwich masturbating to pay-per-view pornography in here, please do not enter.’ It’s clunky, though.

Presidential suite

This is simply just a way for hotels to make you pay double the price for a slightly larger room. In what world would any president have ever stayed in a Travelodge in Dorking? Even if they were fugitives from justice they’d stay at an Airbnb for the privacy.

Media centre

You imagine yourself sitting in front of a colossal 4D IMAX screen, with the latest video game consoles laid out before you. Try to contain your disappointment when you realise the media centre is in fact a 14-inch portable television bolted into a corner you can’t see from the bed.

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The smallest possible things to have the largest possible row about

WANT a row with your partner? Ignore the elephant in the room and argue over these tiny things instead:

The last chocolate

It might have been a Celebrations Bounty, which you hate, but it was your bloody chocolate. And now there’s no chocolate. So kick the f**k off over your partner’s f**king selfishness and pretend it’s not because you’re deeply unhappy about your weight.


You’re both earning halfway to six figures so 65p is neither here nor there. But you paid for the car park last time and it’s not fair he treats your handbag like it’s a frigging change purse. You’ll throw his precious 65p at him, he’ll throw it back, and the fight is on.

A text

A late night text can lead to awkward questions like ‘who’s it from?’ and ‘why are you going to the toilet to read it?’ You’ll stay up until the early hours locked in a bitter confrontation, and all because O2 messaged you with details about a competition offer. Imagine how mad your partner would be if they found your burner phone.

An ant

Found an ant in the kitchen? The opposing viewpoints will quickly solidify into ‘It’s your fault for not emptying the bin’ versus ‘It’s your fault for buying fruit and letting it rot in the bowl’. Soon you’ll be dissecting each others’ sexual shortcomings clinically and unforgivably.

A 0.22 second glance

Once you’re really on the rocks, a glance of this duration – whether vengefully at each other, or lustfully at a third party – will be the perfect reason to not speak for three days and then to have a row so blazing the neighbours’ kids wake up and text your kids. They all agree it’s time to divorce.

The Higgs bosun

When you’re capable of turning your partner’s correction that this sub-atomic particle is actually called ‘the Higgs boson not the Higgins bosun’ into a massive barney, including views on her mother, parentage and promiscuity at school, admit the relationship’s over. There’s nothing smaller to argue about any more.