In which sad, sad ways did you piss away your youth?

HAS your youth disappeared into life’s rear view mirror? This is how you squandered your prime:

Playing video games

These days computer games let you make online friendships and even earn cash. In your youth you played alone in the dark, the only light in your room the screen of BBC Micro as you got repeatedly vaporised in Starship Command. Those were the best years of your life, and you f**ked them.

Studying too hard

You’re only young once, and you spent that precious time indoors hunched over revision guides while nervously chewing a highlighter pen. Your parents tried to force you to lighten the f**k up by pushing you into a field with a football, but before long you bunked off to get back to cramming. And then you got Cs.

Working in a shit job

While all your friends were out clubbing, your rota locked you into facing-up Co-op shelves every Friday and Saturday night. You didn’t even save a fortune in the process because you were being paid bugger all. All that hard work paid off in the end though because now you’re assistant supervisor and get one Friday off a month. Winning.

Staying in a crap relationship

You were young, you didn’t know any better, and if you were lucky your manipulative partner occasionally let you get to second base. Looking back on it though, that crap relationship cost you the opportunity to hit on a slew of hot singletons at the height of their attractiveness. You wouldn’t have scored anyway, but it’s the principle that matters.

Being an overall ungrateful twat

You had no bills, no responsibilities, and a whole life of possibilities was in front of you. And what did you do? Grow a horrendous haircut, treat the world with disdain, and listen to The Smiths because everything was so unfair and stupid. This is acceptable behaviour when life’s crushed your dreams but twattish when you’re young.

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How to be a high-maintenance houseguest

STAYING at someone’s house and want to make the experience hell for them? Here’s how:

Announce you’re an early riser

Nothing will make your host’s heart sink faster than announcing that you like to be up and about by 7am – yes, even at the weekend. Insist otherwise just for the cruelty, but they’ll feel obliged to set their alarm and cook you breakfast. Tip them over the edge with an impromptu lie-in.

Be a fussy eater

The reasons behind your dietary choices don’t matter. They can be medical, moral or simply made-up. By stipulating your requirements well in advance, your host will be forced to stock up on specialist ingredients for your arrival, and when you cancel last minute they’ll have to eat your vegan bacon made of rice paper.

Demand better sleeping conditions

A mention of your bad back here, a request for a specific number of duck down pillows there, and before you know it your host will feel obliged to take your place on the shitty sofa bed. Meanwhile you’ll be sinking into their king size Tempur mattress and f**king up their indentation in the memory foam.

Enjoy the shower of your life

You’ve done your friends a great favour by travelling all the way to see them, so you deserve to treat your stay like a spa break. Steaming hot, half hour showers are a must – if the water hasn’t run cold by the time you’re done, you’re not pampering yourself. And don’t hold back with their fancy beauty products or loofah either. Get them right in your crotch.

Take your kids

The best way to traumatise anyone who values their sanity or house is to bring your children along with you. Young kids excel at yanking things off shelves and night-time screaming, while older kids stay awake for so long your hosts will barely get a break from them. And best of all your hosts aren’t allowed to complain to you about them.

Don’t bring a gift

If someone’s gone through the ballache of laundering sheets for you, they at least deserve to get a bottle of wine out of it. Don’t get them one. To add insult to injury, neck the entirety of their booze collection during your stay so they’ve nothing left to unwind with when you finally piss off.