Man watching weekend lie-in sex slip through his grasp

A MAN is realising that hoped-for morning sex is increasingly unlikely due to his partner doing other stuff.

Tom Logan is disappointed at both the lack of keenly anticipated weekend morning sex and his partner Rachel who appears to prefer activities like removing ripe cat turds from the litter tray.

Logan said: “I thought my luck was in. But on a lazy weekend morning that’s perfect for sex she’s decided to do a f**king spring clean as if I’m not even horny.

“I wish she’d stop vacuuming in case it makes her too tired for sex. And is she really more interested in doing an unnecessary wipe of some tiny glass smudges with the Windolene? Imagine how big that makes my cock feel.”

Logan had desperately tried to convince himself that the dull tasks were a temporary distraction, but was forced to face reality at 11.05am when Rachel decided to ‘go through’ some old clothes, a chore which can take hours or days.

He added: “I feel I’m the only one working at our sex life. I’m up for it any time, apart from when the footie’s on, and I hardly do any domestic duties.

“Today I was all set for a a good session of vigorous porking. Although now I think about it, maybe we’d have more sex if I stopped calling it that.”

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Five fair enough reasons the younger generation hates us

YOUNG people have always despised their elders, but Gen Z’s rage at everyone else is totally valid. Here’s why:

COP26 could have been an email

The COP26 summit was meant to be humanity’s last chance to turn the climate crisis around and make the planet habitable for the younger generation. Instead it’s seen swarms of private jets descend on Glasgow and rules on fossil fuels relaxed. Gen Z are rightly furious it’s been a shambles and might as well have been done over email.

We totally f**ked the housing market

Even if cities aren’t underwater by the time Gen Zers want to buy a house, the property market is so buggered that they won’t be able to afford a place of their own anyway. Instead whole generations of families will be crowded into a draughty bedsit like Dickensian paupers. That’s if they can somehow scrape together the deposit.

Our relatively unprogressive attitudes

Everyone aged over 25 likes to think they’re right-on because they haven’t used the word ‘gay’ as an insult in a while. But when reminded of the problematic culture of their youth, such as Zoo magazine and the black face in Little Britain, Millennials and Gen Xers will become the Boomers they hate by saying it was a ‘different time’.

The way we blame them for everything

Until recently it was Millennials who were destroying every industry in sight with their naive, selfish attitude. Having learnt nothing from that drubbing, they’re now giving Gen Z shit for calling out toxic workplace practices and daring to take a selfie. If that blinkered hypocrisy isn’t grounds enough for vitriolic rage then it’s unclear what is.

The fact they’ll be like us one day

Gen Z knows their youth is an ever depreciating currency, and that it’s only a matter of time until they become the out of touch dinosaurs they despise. Looking at your ageing, wrinkled face is like looking into their own shitty future, when they’ll be berated by young upstarts over things they don’t even realise are problematic yet. You can’t wait.